Lower than a snakes belly

Advisory warning - this is not going to be a positive post in any way, so if you do find your way here its probably best to stop now and move on. 

My reason for writing this is a bit like my reason for starting the blog really, so I can look back and see where I was a various points in time.  Right now I'm pretty low, and when I have nothing good to say I generally try to say nothing, but I decided I needed to get something down so I can look at it in the future and learn to deal with it better next time.

As the title suggests, right now I'm feeling lower than a snakes belly.  I'm currently smack bang in the middle of a particularly unpleasant MS relapse.  It's affected my legs as is often the case, I have hardly any feeling below my waist at the moment, my knees are like jelly, and thanks to this my mobility is severely compromised.  I'm having to use two crutches for probably only about the third time since I've had this bloody disease.  My arms are affected too, with loss of feeling and weakness.  I have the lower backache that often comes with a relapse, but I also have quite a lot of other random pain too.  It strikes in all different places, at different times, just to keep me on my toes.  Normal painkillers don't really do much as its nerve pain, and to top it all getting comfy to get the sleep I so desperately need is virtually impossible.  I am constantly tired, but its more than just normal tired, its proper full on exhausted fatigue.  I can't even begin to describe what that feels like.  Oh the joys of MS!

On top of physical symptoms, I am the most emotionally unstable I think I have ever been.  I'm not completely sure whether this is entirely or partially related to the MS, or a combination of all the factors that are currently affecting my life.  What I do know is that I can barely go more than about 20 minutes without feeling like I want to burst into tears, and often actually doing it.  Tears are never very far from the surface and can break through at any minute.  Its like a huge cloud of despair is sitting above my head.  I will get through it, I know that, I'm just not sure how at the moment.

I cried in Asda this morning.  Bumped into a friend and she was nice to me...... and off I went. 

I know I must be feeling bad because she told me I'd lost loads of weight and that I looked great, and I just shrugged.  Normally that would give me a real boost and make me feel great.  She said other nice things too, I just find it hard to accept.  A friend yesterday gave me a similar talking to, and said some similar things, I struggled with that too.  As you can probably imagine there were tears also.  But I just don't see who they seem to see, that's not the girl in my mirror.  The girl in my mirror is useless, worthless, unworthy of the lovely people around me.  Fat, frumpy, forty-something and pretty much unlovable!