Well brace yourself, this isn't going to be the most positive of blogs. Its prompted by someone saying something they thought was quite positive and that they were being nice, but really was the final nail in the coffin.
As you may have seen from my bio, I have Multiple Sclerosis. I like to think of myself as an MS survivor rather than a sufferer, victim, patient or any of the other terms often used to describe someone who lives with this and other long term conditions. Although at the moment struggling rather than surviving probably more accurately describes where I am.
I am currently plunging headlong into another relapse, this is one of the hardest things about MS, its unpredictability. The long term ongoing effects you can deal with, learn to live with, plan for and come to terms with. The relapses however come out of the blue, often when you least expect them. They always arrive at the most inconvenient times, and you never know quite what the next one will bring. All you can guarantee is that you will feel absolutely dreadful for a while, and at times lower than a snakes belly. The treatment we have for the relapses doesn't suit me particularly well, and often makes me even more ill than the relapse itself, but it is also the only thing that will put me back into remission in a timely fashion too. So on top of all of the woes the relapse brings I nurse the dread of the treatment too.
So that's where I am at the moment, my relapse has reached a stage where I've had to admit defeat, its beating me. I'm dreading how ill the steroids are going to make me, last time they gave me diabetes. I'm struggling to keep going at work, let alone trying to be remotely human when I get home. The ultimate irony is when I get this bad and need sleep more than anything, it tends to evade me due to pain and muscle stiffness making it impossible to get comfortable and my brain refusing to go into sleep mode.
Today was a struggle, just making it though the day, and I had a late afternoon meeting to go to on top of it all. I was feeling pretty rough I can tell you. The meeting was with people I've had numerous meetings with before, but this time I had my trusty stick in tow. Which prompted the question about what I had done to need the stick. I replied with my usual, "Oh sorry thought you knew I have MS."
To which the reply came, "Well you can't tell you look so well, I have friends with it and you don't look like there is anything wrong." When I explained that I was pretty much at my roughest right now, she reiterated how well I looked. I wasn't sure whether to say thanks, laugh or cry. So I just went with shrugging my shoulders and a brief smile.
Its even more ironic that the comment was made by a nurse. My friends now recognise that when I'm really struggling I get a really flushed face, I guess this could be mistaken for a healthy glow? I know its hard to know what to say when confronted with someone being affected by something that people often don't understand. I also understand that most people want to be able to say something positive. But really, telling someone who has what is largely an invisible illness that they don't look sick just makes us feel worse. We already find it hard enough to help people we are close to understand what we are going though. We constantly feel like we have to justify why we struggle to do things, especially at work, we think that people look at us and think we're being lazy or overdramatic, that its not as bad as we make out.
For me that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Is it any wonder when I feel like this that I just want to shut myself away from the outside world, curl up in a ball and cry. So thats the plan for my evening, try and get it out of my system, get up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow and try and carry on. Paint on my smile and fool everyone around me into thinking I'm OK and coping. Then once I have the dreaded steroids I can collapse into a heap and start the long climb back to normal.
Whatever normal is............
C xx
Monday, 28 January 2013
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Split personality
I was watching something on TV earlier and they were talking about all the different hats we wear in life. It got me to thinking about how many different versions there are of me, and which is the real one.
I'm a Mum of a teenager as I've already mentioned, so this is one version of me. She has Autism, although very high functioning, and this brings its challenges. The Mum bit of me is rarely off duty. Playing peacemaker, sometimes disciplinarian, cuddler, worrier and so many more things. Constantly trying to be one step ahead. And in no small part extremely proud of my beautiful clever, not so little any more, girl.
I'm a Wife too. Thats another version of me. This version compromises a lot! As I'm sure most do. Its a different me to the one many see. I'm a Daughter, and Daughter in Law. The Daughter in particular is a peculiar one, I'm starting to become more like the parent as time goes on, the same thing happened in my Granddaughter role. I ended up taking more and more responsibility until I became the carer, the surrogate parent. I can see the Daughter one ending up this way too.
There's the me that goes to work every day. I am in fact quite shy, which most people I work with would find really hard to believe. I put on a confident, outgoing, cheeky exterior to cover this. In fact I am the office clown. Its the only way I can survive. I actually take everything to heart. I do feel strongly about things to do with my job, and can be quite passionate, this isn't a cover, that's the real me.
Another version of me is the one with my friends. There are even a few different ones of those too, depending on which friends I'm with. These 'me's' are probably some of the closest to the real me, with the people I feel most comfortable with and trust, and without the responsibility of some of the other hats. Even then some friends will see different bits of me to others.
There is the MS me. The one that deals with all the crap this cruel disease throws at me. The one that stays positive despite it all, well tries. The one that always has a smile and a pragmatic attitude to it. Even when my legs start failing me, the pain is horrendous, and I can hardly think straight, always looking on the bright side. This me makes her presence felt alongside all the other me's too. It has to, self preservation!
The last me is the one that sits alone at her pc, or lies in bed and reads a book. The one that over thinks everything. That replays conversations from the day. Stresses if she thinks she may have upset anyone. The one that just wants to please everyone. Someone that could quite easily isolate herself from the outside world and just stay in my own little bubble. The one that above all just wants to be loved. Insecure, emotional, self depreciating, my own worst critic. But I also love to have fun, be silly, laugh, love and make people happy.
I said that's the last me, that's not strictly true. There are probably others. All depending on the relationship I have with the person I'm with at the time.
Which is the real me though? I'm not sure even I know.
C xx
I'm a Mum of a teenager as I've already mentioned, so this is one version of me. She has Autism, although very high functioning, and this brings its challenges. The Mum bit of me is rarely off duty. Playing peacemaker, sometimes disciplinarian, cuddler, worrier and so many more things. Constantly trying to be one step ahead. And in no small part extremely proud of my beautiful clever, not so little any more, girl.
I'm a Wife too. Thats another version of me. This version compromises a lot! As I'm sure most do. Its a different me to the one many see. I'm a Daughter, and Daughter in Law. The Daughter in particular is a peculiar one, I'm starting to become more like the parent as time goes on, the same thing happened in my Granddaughter role. I ended up taking more and more responsibility until I became the carer, the surrogate parent. I can see the Daughter one ending up this way too.
There's the me that goes to work every day. I am in fact quite shy, which most people I work with would find really hard to believe. I put on a confident, outgoing, cheeky exterior to cover this. In fact I am the office clown. Its the only way I can survive. I actually take everything to heart. I do feel strongly about things to do with my job, and can be quite passionate, this isn't a cover, that's the real me.
Another version of me is the one with my friends. There are even a few different ones of those too, depending on which friends I'm with. These 'me's' are probably some of the closest to the real me, with the people I feel most comfortable with and trust, and without the responsibility of some of the other hats. Even then some friends will see different bits of me to others.
There is the MS me. The one that deals with all the crap this cruel disease throws at me. The one that stays positive despite it all, well tries. The one that always has a smile and a pragmatic attitude to it. Even when my legs start failing me, the pain is horrendous, and I can hardly think straight, always looking on the bright side. This me makes her presence felt alongside all the other me's too. It has to, self preservation!
The last me is the one that sits alone at her pc, or lies in bed and reads a book. The one that over thinks everything. That replays conversations from the day. Stresses if she thinks she may have upset anyone. The one that just wants to please everyone. Someone that could quite easily isolate herself from the outside world and just stay in my own little bubble. The one that above all just wants to be loved. Insecure, emotional, self depreciating, my own worst critic. But I also love to have fun, be silly, laugh, love and make people happy.
I said that's the last me, that's not strictly true. There are probably others. All depending on the relationship I have with the person I'm with at the time.
Which is the real me though? I'm not sure even I know.
C xx
Thursday, 17 January 2013
One born every minute...
Watch One Born Every Minute they said, its really good they said. So I am........ oh my goodness. That coupled with reading a blog about someone who is pregnant and documenting their journey has turned me into an emotional wreck. It's started me thinking far too much .......
I'm really rubbish at being pregnant.
My first pregnancy lasted about 6-7 weeks. It was upsetting, but at the time I told myself it was for the best. I hadn't really had chance to get to used to the idea it was there before it was gone. I'm not saying that I didn't care. But I came to terms with it. Its really hard to put into words really, I grieved, but if I'm honest the timing would have been dreadful and I got my head round it by convincing myself that fate had stepped in.
My next pregnancy didn't have the best start. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I was almost 8 weeks and I'd injured my back quite badly at work when unbeknown to me I was already pregnant. To cut a long story short I only managed to get this pregnancy to just over 35 weeks too. But I loved being pregnant, loved feeling the baby move inside me. Despite finding out half way through that I'd been carrying twins but one hadn't survived, I did manage to produce one, eventually healthy, baby girl.
She was breech presentation and so born by emergency caesarean as I went into premature labour. In some ways it's a good job she was the wrong way up or she'd probably have been born at 32 weeks, which was when I first started having contractions. Due to a bit of gestational diabetes she was a hefty baby for her term, 6 pounds 9 ounces, but unfortunately not healthy. So she spent the first two weeks of her life tucked up in SCBU. Not that you'd know it to look at her now! She's almost 15 and taller than me!
My last pregnancy is one of my biggest regrets, and greatest sadnesses. It wasn't planned, and was quite a shock I can tell you. But I knew almost straight away, which I never had before. I had this one till 14 weeks, but because I knew almost from the point of conception it felt like much longer. I had hardly any sickness, the total opposite of the time before, but he sat on my bladder the whole time, so I was constantly aware he was there. He (or she) would have been 10 in October last year. Or maybe August/September given my track record. I'm very thankful for the beautiful, intelligent daughter I have, however I often think about what might have been, I guess that's natural. I shed a tear or two for him every October 15th (the day he'd have been due), maybe I always will?
I'm really rubbish at being pregnant.
My first pregnancy lasted about 6-7 weeks. It was upsetting, but at the time I told myself it was for the best. I hadn't really had chance to get to used to the idea it was there before it was gone. I'm not saying that I didn't care. But I came to terms with it. Its really hard to put into words really, I grieved, but if I'm honest the timing would have been dreadful and I got my head round it by convincing myself that fate had stepped in.
My next pregnancy didn't have the best start. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I was almost 8 weeks and I'd injured my back quite badly at work when unbeknown to me I was already pregnant. To cut a long story short I only managed to get this pregnancy to just over 35 weeks too. But I loved being pregnant, loved feeling the baby move inside me. Despite finding out half way through that I'd been carrying twins but one hadn't survived, I did manage to produce one, eventually healthy, baby girl.
She was breech presentation and so born by emergency caesarean as I went into premature labour. In some ways it's a good job she was the wrong way up or she'd probably have been born at 32 weeks, which was when I first started having contractions. Due to a bit of gestational diabetes she was a hefty baby for her term, 6 pounds 9 ounces, but unfortunately not healthy. So she spent the first two weeks of her life tucked up in SCBU. Not that you'd know it to look at her now! She's almost 15 and taller than me!
My last pregnancy is one of my biggest regrets, and greatest sadnesses. It wasn't planned, and was quite a shock I can tell you. But I knew almost straight away, which I never had before. I had this one till 14 weeks, but because I knew almost from the point of conception it felt like much longer. I had hardly any sickness, the total opposite of the time before, but he sat on my bladder the whole time, so I was constantly aware he was there. He (or she) would have been 10 in October last year. Or maybe August/September given my track record. I'm very thankful for the beautiful, intelligent daughter I have, however I often think about what might have been, I guess that's natural. I shed a tear or two for him every October 15th (the day he'd have been due), maybe I always will?
Monday, 14 January 2013
Playing the system
I've just read an article about control room staff getting bonuses if they divert calls to other services and reduce ambulance responses. Surely the judgement should be about patient need and not influenced by personal gain? In my experience over the last year it can be hard enough to get an ambulance without this!
This got me thinking about one of those blogs I'd have written last year if I'd been more on the ball, so here goes.....
Wee bit of background first, my Stepfather isn't a well man (or a young man) with a list of medical complaints much larger than the space on the patient report form! My Stepbrother and Stepsister both work for the ambulance service, SB with many years experience as a paramedic and SS as a Tech. My Sister in Law (SB's wife) is a District Nurse.
Early last year SF was admitted to hospital with multiple infections resulting in Sepsis. It was touch and go for a bit and we thought it might finish him off, but he proved us all wrong, and was discharged from hospital far too early. He got slowly worse again, until it all came to a head the following weekend.
My SIL had visited, and came to get me. He wouldn't eat or drink, and nothing was coming out either, couldn't weight bear, his breathing was terrible, he was totally confused (not normal for him) and was seeing squirrels in boxes at one point. Just to clarify we don't keep squirrels as pets, in fact there weren't even boxes let alone squirrels in them! SIL called SB who was at work and said if he was her patient she'd have him admitted. So we were all agreed, call 999. The opinion of a paramedic and a nurse! If only it was that easy!
SIL spoke to control, explained who she was, oh no, you'll have to speak to a paramedic advisor, they'll call you back. So firstly I spoke to the extremely patronising man, who dismissed me and all I had to say, then SIL spoke to him, similar result. He told us the local A&E was rammed, a complete lie as SB had been there not twenty minutes before. He said the out of hours GP could get him admitted via the medical admissions unit as A&E wasn't the place for him. There's no such thing at our local hospital, medical admissions go through, yep you've guessed it, A&E! We gave up, and called SB for advice. His advice, be more economical with the truth!
Another call to control, to tell them his breathing was getting worse, she asked could she speak to the patient. Thankfully totally out of the blue he told her he had chest pains, first sensible thing he'd said all day! Queue fast response car!
Well you'd think our troubles were over, oh no! His obs weren't quite bad enough, his sats were just about OK, as was his BP etc, not good by any stretch, but not bad enough. Mr RRV then told us there was no point sending for an ambulance as A&E wouldn't accept him. Excuse me? What so they'd turn the crew round at the door and tell them to take him away would they? Cue sarcasm and withering look, it's a wonder his jacket didn't melt under my glare.
Time to name drop, "do you know SB and SS? That's their Dad, need to go and call SB". SIL and I left the room, came back to find him doing an ECG, oh he's in heart block, we'll have to admit him. So now all of a sudden he's poorly enough. He spent over a month in hospital in the end, but he wasn't really poorly was he?
What really makes my blood boil is how often I talk to friends and family and they've been out to someone with itchy teeth, or a sore foot, the list goes on and control staff will send a vehicle for that. Yet the day we need one for a genuinely poorly man, and have a healthcare professional there to give their opinion we get the Rottweiler who you'd think was personally paying for the diesel. The system must be broken?
I do know of others this has happened to also. A friend of mine had a similar battle not so long back for her Nan, she turned out to have a triple A!!
Rant over!! I agree the 999 service is creaking and almost at breaking point due to responding to far too many people with itchy teeth and sore feet, winter vomitting bug etc, I get it I really do! I do apologise, but sometimes the system is crazy!
This got me thinking about one of those blogs I'd have written last year if I'd been more on the ball, so here goes.....
Wee bit of background first, my Stepfather isn't a well man (or a young man) with a list of medical complaints much larger than the space on the patient report form! My Stepbrother and Stepsister both work for the ambulance service, SB with many years experience as a paramedic and SS as a Tech. My Sister in Law (SB's wife) is a District Nurse.
Early last year SF was admitted to hospital with multiple infections resulting in Sepsis. It was touch and go for a bit and we thought it might finish him off, but he proved us all wrong, and was discharged from hospital far too early. He got slowly worse again, until it all came to a head the following weekend.
My SIL had visited, and came to get me. He wouldn't eat or drink, and nothing was coming out either, couldn't weight bear, his breathing was terrible, he was totally confused (not normal for him) and was seeing squirrels in boxes at one point. Just to clarify we don't keep squirrels as pets, in fact there weren't even boxes let alone squirrels in them! SIL called SB who was at work and said if he was her patient she'd have him admitted. So we were all agreed, call 999. The opinion of a paramedic and a nurse! If only it was that easy!
SIL spoke to control, explained who she was, oh no, you'll have to speak to a paramedic advisor, they'll call you back. So firstly I spoke to the extremely patronising man, who dismissed me and all I had to say, then SIL spoke to him, similar result. He told us the local A&E was rammed, a complete lie as SB had been there not twenty minutes before. He said the out of hours GP could get him admitted via the medical admissions unit as A&E wasn't the place for him. There's no such thing at our local hospital, medical admissions go through, yep you've guessed it, A&E! We gave up, and called SB for advice. His advice, be more economical with the truth!
Another call to control, to tell them his breathing was getting worse, she asked could she speak to the patient. Thankfully totally out of the blue he told her he had chest pains, first sensible thing he'd said all day! Queue fast response car!
Well you'd think our troubles were over, oh no! His obs weren't quite bad enough, his sats were just about OK, as was his BP etc, not good by any stretch, but not bad enough. Mr RRV then told us there was no point sending for an ambulance as A&E wouldn't accept him. Excuse me? What so they'd turn the crew round at the door and tell them to take him away would they? Cue sarcasm and withering look, it's a wonder his jacket didn't melt under my glare.
Time to name drop, "do you know SB and SS? That's their Dad, need to go and call SB". SIL and I left the room, came back to find him doing an ECG, oh he's in heart block, we'll have to admit him. So now all of a sudden he's poorly enough. He spent over a month in hospital in the end, but he wasn't really poorly was he?
What really makes my blood boil is how often I talk to friends and family and they've been out to someone with itchy teeth, or a sore foot, the list goes on and control staff will send a vehicle for that. Yet the day we need one for a genuinely poorly man, and have a healthcare professional there to give their opinion we get the Rottweiler who you'd think was personally paying for the diesel. The system must be broken?
I do know of others this has happened to also. A friend of mine had a similar battle not so long back for her Nan, she turned out to have a triple A!!
Rant over!! I agree the 999 service is creaking and almost at breaking point due to responding to far too many people with itchy teeth and sore feet, winter vomitting bug etc, I get it I really do! I do apologise, but sometimes the system is crazy!
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Writers block.....
The blog has had a number of visits over the last few days, and well over 100 in just over a week. For many of the more seasoned bloggers out there with hundreds or thousands of followers, that's a mere drop in the ocean. For little old me, with just the one follower it's quite some feat I can tell you!
I'm amazed and extremely pleased in equal measures. But I'm now feeling under huge pressure to write eloquently and be interesting? A pressure which is pretty much guaranteed to give me total writers block I'm afraid. I'm really not sure I'm up to the job.
One thing that does interest me, is who is visiting, where are they from, and how did they find their way here? So if you do stop by, please say hello, and if you feel like it, answer the above too? I'd love to know, and have chance to say hello, whether you are a friend, acquaintance or total stranger!
I'm amazed and extremely pleased in equal measures. But I'm now feeling under huge pressure to write eloquently and be interesting? A pressure which is pretty much guaranteed to give me total writers block I'm afraid. I'm really not sure I'm up to the job.
One thing that does interest me, is who is visiting, where are they from, and how did they find their way here? So if you do stop by, please say hello, and if you feel like it, answer the above too? I'd love to know, and have chance to say hello, whether you are a friend, acquaintance or total stranger!
My Bucket List
I've talked to some of my friends quite a bit about a bucket list, and we keep saying we should do one....... so here it is!!
My version is going to be 50 things (roughly) to do before I'm 50! My 50th birthday being a bit more predictable and therefore an easier target than before I die! There may be a few things on here that I might need a bit of an extension on, and even a couple that are never likely, but as they are things I would love they're going on there anyway! A girl has to dream right?
Oh, and there may not be 50 to start with...... but I'm working on it! So in no particular order:
So if you think of any ideas that may help me achieve any of these, please suggest them. Try to keep them helpful tho, and realistic. While I know winning the lottery would sort out number 7, its not really in my control!
My version is going to be 50 things (roughly) to do before I'm 50! My 50th birthday being a bit more predictable and therefore an easier target than before I die! There may be a few things on here that I might need a bit of an extension on, and even a couple that are never likely, but as they are things I would love they're going on there anyway! A girl has to dream right?
Oh, and there may not be 50 to start with...... but I'm working on it! So in no particular order:
- Spa day with the girls - one for when I've lost a wee bit more weight!
- Afternoon tea at the Ritz - wanted to do this for ages, a good birthday present for me one year maybe (hint hint hubbs, maybe for my 50th? lol)
- Afternoon tea in general somewhere a bit posh - while I'm waiting for my tea at the Ritz I'd settle for a nice proper afternoon tea anywhere really?
- Ride a motorbike - as a passenger obviously, and a proper bike not a 50 cc thing. My Dad was a biker and my Mum hung out with a biker crowd when she was young so I really should do it at least once!
- Travel on the Orient Express - Doesn't have to be far, I'd be happy just to go on one of the lunch type trips, just want to say I've been on it!
- Ride in an Aston Martin - Nothing beats the sound of an Aston engine!
- Own a Mercedes convertible in powder blue - OK so this is one of those not gonna happen ones, but a girl has to dream!
- Driving down the motorway in a convertible with the top down! - as I seem to be on a bit of a transport theme, and in absence of owning the above I'd love to experience (as a passenger) the feeling of speed in a sporty car of some description with the top down. Its part of my Brigit Jones fantasy I'm afraid. OK, I'll leave the transport alone for a bit now.
- Going to the top of the Statue of Liberty - Seen her up close but she was closed for building work, so would love to go back and up to the top this time.
- Jumping off the Sky Tower in Auckland - its not a bungy jump, its a controlled descent. Saw it when we were there and thought 'never gonna happen', but watched Warwick Davies do it down a Sky Tower in the Far East and just thought, 'Yeah, I fancy doing that!' Bungy jumping or abseiling is still never ever gonna happen!!
- Waxing - I'll keep the details of that to myself! But its a goal so its going in. I'm determined to manage this once! Glutton for punishment - yep!
- A tattoo - up until 6 months ago I'd never ever have considered this. But for some reason now I need to do it! Want something meaningful for me, and in honour of some people very special to me! I'm only ever having the one tho!! Well to start with anyway.....
- A Jaegar Bomb - I have led a very very sheltered life and have never experienced this! I have another friend in the same boat, so we really need to do it once........
- A grown up sleepover - in a cottage somewhere for the night, with the girls, and an open fire! PJ's, cocktails, chocolate and junk food!
- A Ghost Hunt - Thanks to my MS I can't do the usual things like walks, runs or marathons for charity, so I'd love to do something a bit different like this (something I can spend a lot of time sitting down doing)
- Ride in a helicopter - back to transport again. sorry! Nothing fancy like flying it, just a quick spin in one.
- Ride in a hot air balloon - does what it says on the tin really.
- Cupcake decorating classes - I seem to have become a bit of a girl of late, baking etc. So I'd love to learn to do really professional looking cupcake decorations. Even if I could just learn one trick I'd be happy!
- A makeover and photo shoot - just one picture of me looking gorgeous would make me happy pretty much forever!! Another one for when I lose quite a bit more weight maybe!
- Louboutins - to own a pair of red soled heels, I'd better start saving now! £10 a month in the Loubs fund and I should have enough to treat myself for my 50th, it is 8 years away! Might even have enough for a small handbag to match?
- Louis Vuitton - Just one small handbag is all I need. After the Loubs are bought it can become the LV fund, but may need an extension on this one?
- Something pretty from Tiffany's - nothing big or expensive, just a little something pretty from Tiffany. Despite how the above two may make it look, I'm not high maintenance really!
- Go on Safari - would love to see lions in their natural habitat.
- See the Remembrance Day service at the Cenotaph in London - in person rather than on the TV which is how I normally see it.
- Watch a studio taping of a TV show or be in a live audience - here or in America. Would love to go to Dancing on Ice in particular! But anything really, just nothing really rubbish!
- Go out as an observer on an emergency ambulance - sounds crazy I know. Having worked in an EAU and crewed on St John vehicles many years ago the one thing I always wanted to do was experience it out on the coal face. Never did it, but would love the chance, while I'm still mobile!
- Write a book - they say everyone has one book in them, I'd love to have the discipline to sit down and write mine, maybe I should take a class and learn the basics?
- Go to the German Christmas markets - proper ones in Germany of course!
- Watch England play Cricket in Sri Lanka - and I'm not even a cricket fan! But the idea does appeal to me now?
- Go to a Summer Ball - posh frocks the works!!
- Watch tennis at Wimbledon
- See a concert at the O2
- See-saw ing - its been years since I was on a see-saw. Not just a see saw either, would love to pretend I'm 6 again and go to a playground to play on the see-saw and swings. Its not a single player game though, so if anyone fancies it?
- Sledging - I love snow, always have, well until my MS. Still love looking at it and playing in it, I'm just not so stable on my feet these days. But I'd love to go sledging. Country park somewhere, big hills. really deep snow, and an afternoon of fun!
- Bingo - yes, you've read that right, its not a typo. I have never been in a proper Bingo Hall in my life, two of my friends have decided they are going to educate me, and Ju decided it needed to go on the list. So here it is ladies. Over to you.....
So if you think of any ideas that may help me achieve any of these, please suggest them. Try to keep them helpful tho, and realistic. While I know winning the lottery would sort out number 7, its not really in my control!
Friday, 11 January 2013
My mundane job
Writing my last blog made me think about how mundane my job can be and how much I miss the buzz of emergency medicine and the way no two days are ever the same. Not just that, but doing something that can potentially make a difference to someones life. As opposed to the job I do now, where one day is often very much like any other.
I work in adult social care commissioning. In layman's terms we buy the care services that people who's care is funded by their local council use. From residential and nursing homes, to carers that visit people in their own homes. We don't just buy the services but we check up on them too, make sure they are giving good quality care and make sure the tax payer gets what he's paying for.
Much of my working week is spent in front of a computer, sending emails, generating reports, analysing information and occasionally problem solving amongst other things. Some of the time I get to go out and visit the services, and see the people that use them, I love that! Talking to people, talking to staff, getting their view on the service and often on life in general. Doing that reminds me why I do the job. I want people to get good services, and to be happy, some would say I'm quite passionate about it.
From time to time I get to put my slightly stroppy hat on, and tell people how its going to be. Strangely enough, and I know there are people that would dispute it, but it's not something I'm entirely comfortable with. I'd like to say its because I'm too nice, but I'm not. I think it may be because deep down I like to please people, and not pleasing people doesn't come easily. I'm getting better at it though! Sometimes it's a social worker, and nothing is guaranteed to wind me up more. I'm actually getting quite good at not pleasing some of them! Other times its contractors, you want our money then play the game!
Occasionally we get involved in planning new services. We might influence the design of a building, or get someone to plan a service around a person, watch something grow from the ground up from building site to finished article or even just write the specifications, the nitty gritty that makes sure someone gets the right service.
I seem to get involved in a lot of Safeguarding of late too. Helping to keep people safe. Some of the things I see and hear make my blood boil, and I never cease to be amazed and shocked by things that go on. Maybe not all days are the same then?
A colleague and I were talking today, reflecting on some of the projects we've done in the past, and discussing current issues. It slowly dawned on me that what we do does make a difference. We have changed people's lives. When we get it right it changes lives for the better. When it goes wrong it changes lives too, just not in the way we'd like. Sometimes there's nothing we can do about it either, we just have to help pick up the pieces afterwards. But ultimately that makes a difference too!
Ok, so it's not the instant gratification that you get on the front line, seeing immediate results, good or bad. It takes longer for people to feel the effects of what we do. But you don't have to be at the sharp end to make a difference, it's just a different difference we make!
It doesn't make me miss it any less, just makes me see what I do now in a slightly different light!
C xx
I work in adult social care commissioning. In layman's terms we buy the care services that people who's care is funded by their local council use. From residential and nursing homes, to carers that visit people in their own homes. We don't just buy the services but we check up on them too, make sure they are giving good quality care and make sure the tax payer gets what he's paying for.
Much of my working week is spent in front of a computer, sending emails, generating reports, analysing information and occasionally problem solving amongst other things. Some of the time I get to go out and visit the services, and see the people that use them, I love that! Talking to people, talking to staff, getting their view on the service and often on life in general. Doing that reminds me why I do the job. I want people to get good services, and to be happy, some would say I'm quite passionate about it.
From time to time I get to put my slightly stroppy hat on, and tell people how its going to be. Strangely enough, and I know there are people that would dispute it, but it's not something I'm entirely comfortable with. I'd like to say its because I'm too nice, but I'm not. I think it may be because deep down I like to please people, and not pleasing people doesn't come easily. I'm getting better at it though! Sometimes it's a social worker, and nothing is guaranteed to wind me up more. I'm actually getting quite good at not pleasing some of them! Other times its contractors, you want our money then play the game!
Occasionally we get involved in planning new services. We might influence the design of a building, or get someone to plan a service around a person, watch something grow from the ground up from building site to finished article or even just write the specifications, the nitty gritty that makes sure someone gets the right service.
I seem to get involved in a lot of Safeguarding of late too. Helping to keep people safe. Some of the things I see and hear make my blood boil, and I never cease to be amazed and shocked by things that go on. Maybe not all days are the same then?
A colleague and I were talking today, reflecting on some of the projects we've done in the past, and discussing current issues. It slowly dawned on me that what we do does make a difference. We have changed people's lives. When we get it right it changes lives for the better. When it goes wrong it changes lives too, just not in the way we'd like. Sometimes there's nothing we can do about it either, we just have to help pick up the pieces afterwards. But ultimately that makes a difference too!
Ok, so it's not the instant gratification that you get on the front line, seeing immediate results, good or bad. It takes longer for people to feel the effects of what we do. But you don't have to be at the sharp end to make a difference, it's just a different difference we make!
It doesn't make me miss it any less, just makes me see what I do now in a slightly different light!
C xx
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Reading between the blogs
Since I came back to my blog I've also been reading lots of other ones again too. Lots of exciting ones from members of the emergency services in general, and in particular EMS ones. Those of you who know me will know that's my particular area of interest, for several reasons. Many years ago in another life I worked in an emergency admissions unit, on the receiving end so to speak. I also spent a number of years as a volunteer with St John, and included some ambulance work as part of this. This was also a lot of years ago, in my other life.
Back in the old days St John weren't seen working alongside the regulars as they are today. If we turned up at a hospital there was lots of tutting and most were looked at as glory hunters making the most of being given a tiny bit of power. I was lucky enough not to be tarred with this brush for a couple of reasons. Firstly they knew me from the EAU, I spent enough time there without having to look for more reasons to visit. Also I crewed with a guy who had a day job with the regulars, so again there was no mileage for him in being there. They knew if we turned up it was because we had no other option for transport and the patient actually genuinely needed to be there. We had quite a reputation for not being a drain on the organisation's resources as we rarely turned a wheel other than to the event and back to base. Part of my standard patient assessment questions were always "How did you get here today?", and if it became apparent they may need a trip to the hospital I'd have already worked out how we were gonna get the patient to the relatives car so they could take them.
I do sometimes miss those days. I miss not knowing whats coming through the door next. Seeing different people every hour never mind every day. The banter with all the different professionals you encounter as you go about your business. I guess that's why the blogs interest me, seeing how much has changed and how much is still frighteningly the same. I also have a number of good friends and relatives who do the job, so my interest comes from there too. I know its not all glamorous and exciting, but it makes me realise how very mundane my job can be!
Cx
Back in the old days St John weren't seen working alongside the regulars as they are today. If we turned up at a hospital there was lots of tutting and most were looked at as glory hunters making the most of being given a tiny bit of power. I was lucky enough not to be tarred with this brush for a couple of reasons. Firstly they knew me from the EAU, I spent enough time there without having to look for more reasons to visit. Also I crewed with a guy who had a day job with the regulars, so again there was no mileage for him in being there. They knew if we turned up it was because we had no other option for transport and the patient actually genuinely needed to be there. We had quite a reputation for not being a drain on the organisation's resources as we rarely turned a wheel other than to the event and back to base. Part of my standard patient assessment questions were always "How did you get here today?", and if it became apparent they may need a trip to the hospital I'd have already worked out how we were gonna get the patient to the relatives car so they could take them.
I do sometimes miss those days. I miss not knowing whats coming through the door next. Seeing different people every hour never mind every day. The banter with all the different professionals you encounter as you go about your business. I guess that's why the blogs interest me, seeing how much has changed and how much is still frighteningly the same. I also have a number of good friends and relatives who do the job, so my interest comes from there too. I know its not all glamorous and exciting, but it makes me realise how very mundane my job can be!
Cx
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
If my alarm clock could talk...
Well it looks like my trusty alarm clock is finally going to have to be retired. He's gaining on average 15 minutes a night, and anything up to 2 hours in any given day, quite some feat for a digital clock! Adds another dimension to setting the alarm to get me up for work, will it/won't it? I sure do live on the edge eh!
It got me to thinking about how many years we've been together, clock and I, and I realised its been well over half my life! About 23 and a half years to be precise. I had him as a present for my 18th birthday, from one of my more practical relatives. She bought me something nice too, but clock has long outlasted whatever that something nice was (don't even remember), so Auntie Jean had her head screwed on when she bought him.
If only he could talk, he's certainly seen some sights. I wonder what lessons he could teach me, what advice he would give, what stories he would tell? He's seen plenty of tears and tantrums, but he's also seen lots of fun and laughter over the years.
He saw me through starting Uni, the nerves and excitement, the stress and the drunken nights out. The worst of which saw him witness me that drunk I threw up in my waste paper bin. May I add it was my landlady that had got me into that state. He then saw me through the 2 day hangover that followed. He saw me through lots of drunken nights out at home too. There were the lonely weekends he had where I was crashing at one mates or another, then there were the weekends where everyone would crash at mine. He took them all in his stride. Even when I nearly broke my heart when one of my best friends moved to Ireland. I thought I'd never recover, to be fair even now twenty odd years later I still miss him from time to time. N was the sort of friend that would listen to all your woes, nod in the right places, sympathise, then kick you up the arse, tell you to get the feck over yourself and get a grip. Followed closely by getting you absolutely roaring drunk and wallowing in self pity with you for the 3 day hangover that followed. Every girl needs a friend like that in their life right?
Clock was there for my first real relationships, and my first love. I bumped into him once a few years ago (first love not clock), and he told me he still loved me, 20 years down the line. I have wondered from time to time how things might have turned out if events in his life had been different, but I wouldn't swap most of the stuff that went after, so the question is irrelevant really. I guess a lot of us have one of those people in our lives. Clock saw me through break-ups and make-ups, the tears and the joy and all the bits in between.
My faithful clock saw me through my first marriage, the good times and the bad. Now I'm older and wiser I'm able to remember the good times too, but there were too many bad ones. I'm sure clock would have made told me a few home truths and saved me a lot of pain, heartache and abuse if he could. Clock was there for the fun I had when I got my life back too. He saw lots of happiness and laughter, and shares some of the best memories of my life! There was the 4 in a bed incident, it may have scarred hm for life.... I know what you're all thinking and its not like that at all! One of my best friends and I got totally hammered drinking with a couple of friends at my house and collapsed into my bed, when we woke up the next morning the lads had climbed in either side of us, all fully clothed I may add. Gave us something to giggle about though.
Clock was with me through pregnancy and the sleepless nights with my newborn baby, and has watched her grow into a teenager with all the events that have happened along the way. He's been by my side in sickness and health. He's been a constant fixture through my marriage, although its looking very much like Hubbs is going to outlive him. Hubbs did adopt him for a while, but he soon remembered where his loyalties lie and made his way back to my side of the bed.
My clock has heard me laugh and cry, and I've bashed him over the head more times than I care to remember. Most weekday mornings sometime between 6 and 7 has seen some level of physical violence if I'm honest. He's seen too many tears over the years and I have to admit I'm going to miss him, he may even see one more of those tears when I finally condemn him to the bin. I know, I'm a sentimental old fool, but every girl needs a friend like him in her life right.........
C xxx
It got me to thinking about how many years we've been together, clock and I, and I realised its been well over half my life! About 23 and a half years to be precise. I had him as a present for my 18th birthday, from one of my more practical relatives. She bought me something nice too, but clock has long outlasted whatever that something nice was (don't even remember), so Auntie Jean had her head screwed on when she bought him.
If only he could talk, he's certainly seen some sights. I wonder what lessons he could teach me, what advice he would give, what stories he would tell? He's seen plenty of tears and tantrums, but he's also seen lots of fun and laughter over the years.
He saw me through starting Uni, the nerves and excitement, the stress and the drunken nights out. The worst of which saw him witness me that drunk I threw up in my waste paper bin. May I add it was my landlady that had got me into that state. He then saw me through the 2 day hangover that followed. He saw me through lots of drunken nights out at home too. There were the lonely weekends he had where I was crashing at one mates or another, then there were the weekends where everyone would crash at mine. He took them all in his stride. Even when I nearly broke my heart when one of my best friends moved to Ireland. I thought I'd never recover, to be fair even now twenty odd years later I still miss him from time to time. N was the sort of friend that would listen to all your woes, nod in the right places, sympathise, then kick you up the arse, tell you to get the feck over yourself and get a grip. Followed closely by getting you absolutely roaring drunk and wallowing in self pity with you for the 3 day hangover that followed. Every girl needs a friend like that in their life right?
Clock was there for my first real relationships, and my first love. I bumped into him once a few years ago (first love not clock), and he told me he still loved me, 20 years down the line. I have wondered from time to time how things might have turned out if events in his life had been different, but I wouldn't swap most of the stuff that went after, so the question is irrelevant really. I guess a lot of us have one of those people in our lives. Clock saw me through break-ups and make-ups, the tears and the joy and all the bits in between.
My faithful clock saw me through my first marriage, the good times and the bad. Now I'm older and wiser I'm able to remember the good times too, but there were too many bad ones. I'm sure clock would have made told me a few home truths and saved me a lot of pain, heartache and abuse if he could. Clock was there for the fun I had when I got my life back too. He saw lots of happiness and laughter, and shares some of the best memories of my life! There was the 4 in a bed incident, it may have scarred hm for life.... I know what you're all thinking and its not like that at all! One of my best friends and I got totally hammered drinking with a couple of friends at my house and collapsed into my bed, when we woke up the next morning the lads had climbed in either side of us, all fully clothed I may add. Gave us something to giggle about though.
Clock was with me through pregnancy and the sleepless nights with my newborn baby, and has watched her grow into a teenager with all the events that have happened along the way. He's been by my side in sickness and health. He's been a constant fixture through my marriage, although its looking very much like Hubbs is going to outlive him. Hubbs did adopt him for a while, but he soon remembered where his loyalties lie and made his way back to my side of the bed.
My clock has heard me laugh and cry, and I've bashed him over the head more times than I care to remember. Most weekday mornings sometime between 6 and 7 has seen some level of physical violence if I'm honest. He's seen too many tears over the years and I have to admit I'm going to miss him, he may even see one more of those tears when I finally condemn him to the bin. I know, I'm a sentimental old fool, but every girl needs a friend like him in her life right.........
C xxx
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Looking back on 2012
So did I keep my New Years resolutions, did I achieve anything I wanted to. did I do anything at all in fact?
2012 was a year of ups and downs, there were some high points, some low points and some incredible ones! I had some experiences of a lifetime, and some I'd rather not have to go through again for a lot of years. Some would have made great blogs if I'd been more on the ball...... some still might!
A very good friend of mine got married last year, on her 50th Birthday! She looked amazing and it was lovely to have something to celebrate. This meant there was also a hen night, which was great too! It goes to show, its never too late! In fact one of the happiest couples I know married well into their 50's!
We went to Cardiff in January for Hubbs 50th and stayed in the St Davids, 5 star hotel! I've wanted to stay there since my first trip to Cardiff Bay. It was made all the more memorable by the fact that we were sharing it that weekend with the BGT judges, and met most of the team. Only Dec eluded us! My new best friend Simon Cowell even told me all about the dog that went on to win the show! They were all lovely, and David Walliams is much thinner in real life.
February brought our trip to new York, once again for Hubbs 50th! What can I say other than AMAZING!! I loved it, we all loved it. We did loads, Empire State building, Statue of Liberty, Rockerfeller, Central Park, shopping, more shopping, Times Square, tour buses, 911 memorial (words can't describe the experience) and so much more. And best of all we stayed in the Waldorf Astoria. It truly was the experience of a lifetime! Which I would very much like to do again.
We also had a lovely holiday in Malta. Even after returning there so many times we did some things we'd not done before. It was great to have such a relaxing holiday after quite a hectic year or two. It really does feel like going home.
My daughter aka The Teen made me very proud on lots of occasions this year. She was elected Chair of the school council, chosen as one of the top 15 most gifted kids in her school, won an achievement award and got really good grades amongst other things. Then on her awards night, without giving the slightest hint about what she was up to, she stood up and sang a solo. She has the most beautiful voice, and we didn't have a clue.
All in all I spent far to much time at the local hospital last year! Not just for myself either, I'm used to that. My Step-father had a number of admissions, and spent quite a portion of the year there altogether. I did quite a lot of arguing with both health and social care workers, but he was still with us, and as well as he's going to be at the end of the year. To be fair there were a few times during the year we thought he might not be, so that in itself is a breakthrough. Hubbs also had a bit of a scare. Had a big GI bleed, and was flat out on the landing floor, I spent a long night with him in resus, but it all turned out well in the end. Just not an experience I'd like again in the near future please.
I had lots of lovely times with my friends last year! Some fantastic nights out, and fabulous nights in! Some lovely coffee shop times, and generally just being with special people. I managed to see a couple of old friends who live the other side of the ocean when they were over to visit. One from Canada and one from America. I was Bridesmaid for my American friend when I was 2, so when I say we go way back, we really do! I am lucky to have some wonderful friends and they will never know how much the support I get from them all means to me. I managed to spend some real quality time with one old friend last year. in some old ways and new. This time was really special to me and I will always treasure the memories.
My lasting memories from the year are of course of my holidays, but also of my friends. So my closing words have to be to say Thank You! Thank You to all the special people in my life, family and friends, who have been part of my life for the last year. Even if we don't see each other often, does not make you any less important! You have all added something special!
Thanks for the memories!
C xx
2012 was a year of ups and downs, there were some high points, some low points and some incredible ones! I had some experiences of a lifetime, and some I'd rather not have to go through again for a lot of years. Some would have made great blogs if I'd been more on the ball...... some still might!
A very good friend of mine got married last year, on her 50th Birthday! She looked amazing and it was lovely to have something to celebrate. This meant there was also a hen night, which was great too! It goes to show, its never too late! In fact one of the happiest couples I know married well into their 50's!
We went to Cardiff in January for Hubbs 50th and stayed in the St Davids, 5 star hotel! I've wanted to stay there since my first trip to Cardiff Bay. It was made all the more memorable by the fact that we were sharing it that weekend with the BGT judges, and met most of the team. Only Dec eluded us! My new best friend Simon Cowell even told me all about the dog that went on to win the show! They were all lovely, and David Walliams is much thinner in real life.
February brought our trip to new York, once again for Hubbs 50th! What can I say other than AMAZING!! I loved it, we all loved it. We did loads, Empire State building, Statue of Liberty, Rockerfeller, Central Park, shopping, more shopping, Times Square, tour buses, 911 memorial (words can't describe the experience) and so much more. And best of all we stayed in the Waldorf Astoria. It truly was the experience of a lifetime! Which I would very much like to do again.
We also had a lovely holiday in Malta. Even after returning there so many times we did some things we'd not done before. It was great to have such a relaxing holiday after quite a hectic year or two. It really does feel like going home.
My daughter aka The Teen made me very proud on lots of occasions this year. She was elected Chair of the school council, chosen as one of the top 15 most gifted kids in her school, won an achievement award and got really good grades amongst other things. Then on her awards night, without giving the slightest hint about what she was up to, she stood up and sang a solo. She has the most beautiful voice, and we didn't have a clue.
All in all I spent far to much time at the local hospital last year! Not just for myself either, I'm used to that. My Step-father had a number of admissions, and spent quite a portion of the year there altogether. I did quite a lot of arguing with both health and social care workers, but he was still with us, and as well as he's going to be at the end of the year. To be fair there were a few times during the year we thought he might not be, so that in itself is a breakthrough. Hubbs also had a bit of a scare. Had a big GI bleed, and was flat out on the landing floor, I spent a long night with him in resus, but it all turned out well in the end. Just not an experience I'd like again in the near future please.
I had lots of lovely times with my friends last year! Some fantastic nights out, and fabulous nights in! Some lovely coffee shop times, and generally just being with special people. I managed to see a couple of old friends who live the other side of the ocean when they were over to visit. One from Canada and one from America. I was Bridesmaid for my American friend when I was 2, so when I say we go way back, we really do! I am lucky to have some wonderful friends and they will never know how much the support I get from them all means to me. I managed to spend some real quality time with one old friend last year. in some old ways and new. This time was really special to me and I will always treasure the memories.
My lasting memories from the year are of course of my holidays, but also of my friends. So my closing words have to be to say Thank You! Thank You to all the special people in my life, family and friends, who have been part of my life for the last year. Even if we don't see each other often, does not make you any less important! You have all added something special!
Thanks for the memories!
C xx
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Its that time of year again!
Happy New Year to one and all!!
I'm pretty sure that no-one reads this anyway, but if you are here, welcome! I wish you the best of all things in 2013!
We have reached that time where we all inevitably look forward to the year ahead, and naturally look back at the year we have had. So I guess that's what brought me back to my blog. I'm ashamed to say I haven't blogged since February, so that was one new years resolution totally blown out of the water. I'm giving up on them this year, never keep them anyway! This year I'm setting goals instead, but more about those in another post.
I was sat thinking back on my year, and realised I couldn't think of much that I'd done in the year at all. How dreadful is that! That's when I realised how great Facebook is..... I went back through my photos and posts and lo and behold, I did loads in 2012!! Some good, some not so good, but there was plenty going on!
As I get older, and maybe a tiny bit wiser, I've come to realise more and more that every year is gonna have its up and downs! That's life! So instead of being glad to see the back of a particular year, or hoping for a better year to come, I shall be thankful for the good times I've had in 2012, of which there have been many. I will also resolve to focus more on the good stuff to come and worry less about the bad stuff that will inevitably come my way.
Life isn't just about the sunny days, its about learning to dance in the rain! And this year I'm determined to dance, however wet I get along the way!
C x
I'm pretty sure that no-one reads this anyway, but if you are here, welcome! I wish you the best of all things in 2013!
We have reached that time where we all inevitably look forward to the year ahead, and naturally look back at the year we have had. So I guess that's what brought me back to my blog. I'm ashamed to say I haven't blogged since February, so that was one new years resolution totally blown out of the water. I'm giving up on them this year, never keep them anyway! This year I'm setting goals instead, but more about those in another post.
I was sat thinking back on my year, and realised I couldn't think of much that I'd done in the year at all. How dreadful is that! That's when I realised how great Facebook is..... I went back through my photos and posts and lo and behold, I did loads in 2012!! Some good, some not so good, but there was plenty going on!
As I get older, and maybe a tiny bit wiser, I've come to realise more and more that every year is gonna have its up and downs! That's life! So instead of being glad to see the back of a particular year, or hoping for a better year to come, I shall be thankful for the good times I've had in 2012, of which there have been many. I will also resolve to focus more on the good stuff to come and worry less about the bad stuff that will inevitably come my way.
Life isn't just about the sunny days, its about learning to dance in the rain! And this year I'm determined to dance, however wet I get along the way!
C x
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