I'm a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. Even if at the time it's often difficult to see what that reason is. I've lost count of the number of times I've told my friends this when they are having a difficult time, and for the most part it's been true. Better jobs, nicer men, happier lives etc, I've seen my friends go on to get these things amongst others after suffering through some pretty rough times. So at the moment I'm trying to convince myself that this principle of fate also applies to me.
It's been a pretty naff few months to be honest. Any men reading this please feel free to skip the next few lines and do the reading equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and singing lalalalalala loudly. I've been having a few gynae issues for a while. My hormones have been all over the place and its been like having permanent PMT for several months. This culminated in a small gynae op just before Christmas which to be honest was one of the most horrendous experiences of my life. But that's another story! OK chaps, it's safe to come back now. Then I got a really bad chest infection which refused to go and knocked me completely sideways, and which may or may not have been Whooping Cough. While all this was going on, in the background I'd already started having the early warning signs that I was starting to relapse. This finally came to a head and I eventually had to admit defeat and submit to treatment.
Throughout all of this, or maybe because of it, coupled with some pretty nasty drugs, and alongside other bits and pieces that were going on in my life, I've been at an all time low emotionally. I really can't put my finger on why, and I don't know what to do to make it stop either. I've never experienced anything like it, and I sure as hell intend never to again once I get rid of it this time. Don't get me wrong, I get down from time to time, it's only natural, but I normally have a statute of limitations on misery. I allow myself 3 - 5 days (depending on the severity of the situation) of wallowing in self pity, then give myself a good old fashioned kick up the arse and snap out of it. I've tried and tried, but no matter how big the kick up the arse I just can't snap out of it. I just don't seem to be able to find the smiley me, and the sobbing, or ratty me are never far away.
So between the emotional rollercoaster I'm on and having far too much time on my hands I've been doing a lot of thinking, probably far too much! I've over-thought a number of things, jumped to a few conclusions, and voiced a few things I probably should have kept to myself. This has resulted in a few things. I've pissed off one very good friend to the extent that I think it may be the end of our very long standing relationship. I hope not, I hope they might understand in the end, but I guess that depends on how much they valued our relationship? Only time will tell. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm bored. I'm not even sure what I'm bored with, life, work, me? I just know I need to do something to make a change, maybe it's all part of my mid life crisis? I do know I've changed a lot over the last year or so, maybe that is part of the reason for my itchy feet now. I just know there has to be more out there for me?
So back to the things happening for a reason. Maybe I've had to hit rock bottom to see the good things in life for their true value? To make me acknowledge how lucky I am to have some of the amazing people in my life that I do. To sort the wheat from the chaff? To open my eyes to what's around me? Perhaps its to give me the kick up the arse to do something more? Whether that be doing a degree, joining St John again, looking for another job, or getting better qualified to advance in my job? I obviously wasn't shortlisted for the job I applied for, so this clearly wasn't what fate had in store. But what it did do is open my eyes to other possibilities, and get me thinking about how to fill in application forms etc.
All of this has also given me the push to make changes to me too. Or continue in earnest with small changes that I had already started. I think perhaps I am bored with me too. I have lived with me for a lot of years now. I'm more determined than ever to loose more weight, and have set myself an ambitious goal of getting back not just to my pre MS weight, but to where I was when I was 30. I'll do it too, however long it takes! It has also made me a bit more aware of my own health, and looking after it. I'm determined to go as long as possible before my next relapse, and to keep my diabetes in check. I intend to be a bit more adventurous too, from hair colour to my bucket list and many things in between.
At the moment I'm not quite sure what the reasons are for what I'm going through. I'm not sure which path I'm meant to be on, or will end up on. What I do know is that I have faith that it will all eventually become clear. That all of this, and all of the other things going on around me, are preparing me for what is to come. That they are preparing the path, ready for when it's time for me to walk it.
The fact that I can acknowledge this also tells me that things must be on the up, I must be turning a corner. I can finally see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And thanks to some wonderful friends I have even caught a couple of glimpses of the smiley me over the last week. Only brief glimpses, but that must mean she's still there right? She hasn't disappeared forever. And if that's the case, then there really is light at the end of the tunnel!
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