Looking back!

Its reached that time again when we look back over the last year to see what it has brought us, and look forward to the new year to come.  Facebook is great for this, its so easy to look at the year in words and pictures!  So I was having a nostalgic look back at what 2013 has brought me.  Wow, what a difference a year makes!

This time last year I was in a totally different job, which I was perfectly happy in and had no intentions of looking for anything else.  Now I am in a new job, which I love, well most of the time, and surrounded by new and lovely people.  I still really miss my old workmates, they were so much more than just colleagues they are wonderful friends, and I hope they always will be.  The fact we are friends hasn't changed, but I miss the minutiae of their lives now, the day to day stuff you chat about when you work together but that doesn't seem important when you have a get together.  And I miss the support you get from working with your very best friends.  Sometimes I miss them so much I shed a few tears.  But that said I know all things considered I did the right thing.  I have a job I love, and one that somewhere along the line I can do things that do make a difference to people's lives, and hopefully help to make a better city for my daughter to grow up and live in.

Some of the people in my life have changed too!  I ended last year thinking I had seen the last of one friend, and it seems I haven't quite, although their role in my life is very different now.  I do however have new people in my life, I have made new friends during the year, some through the strangest of routes, and some which I hope will feature in my life for a long time to come.  Some of these new friends have become quite significant to me, and I sincerely hope will stay with me in one way or another for life! (You know who you are)

Its been quite a year one way or another! I had a horrid relapse at the start of the year, but ironically this rotten thing was the catalyst that has led to lots of the things above.  It was the trigger that led me to look to new horizons.  Which once more reinforces my belief that everything happens for a reason!!

I had a fabulous holiday that I have the most amazing memories from.  I visited places I always wanted to and saw things I'd only ever dreamed of.  There were quite a lot of pinching myself to make sure it was real type moments.  We visited the 'Mouse' again and for the first time in my life I went upside down on a roller-coaster.  Twice actually, on two different ones! That was definitely one ticked off my bucket list!  In fact I went on almost every ride at Disney!!  I don't think I backed out of any.  I'm sure one of the little people will correct me if I'm wrong, I will ask them.

I have read back through my Facebook and laughed and cried, its been quite a year again, and I am very thankful for all it has brought me.

I am old enough to know that every year will have highs and lows.  Some will have incredible lows, others will have amazing highs, most will have some combination of the two to some extent or another.  So at Midnight I will not be glad to see the back of this year, or hoping for a better one next year.  I will however be remembering and being thankful for the good things this year brought, and hoping that once again next year the good outweighs the bad!

Wishing you all a healthy and happy 2014, Happy New Year!!

C xx

A wander inside my head

It occurred to me earlier that its months since I blogged.  Maybe my head has been too full of other things?  Maybe its because I've been busy getting my head around my new job?  I don't really know myself.  But I sat wondering what I could write about, so as usual I'm just going to write from my heart and see where it goes.

Its a strange time of the year for me.  Christmas is approaching fast, which I love.  In fact it turns me into a five year old again.  I love the way everything is so bright and cheerful, and its a great excuse to do nice things for people I love and to make people happy.  I'm a bit of a Christmas Elf on the quiet.

Its also a sad time of the year.  November 10th is my beloved Grandad's birthday.  He was by far the most influential man in my life.  My Dad wasn't around a lot when I was growing up, in fact he hasn't been around a lot for most of my life really, with the exception of about a year or so in my early twenties, so my Grandad was really my Dad too.  I can't believe its been 10 years since he's been gone.  I miss him so much, sometimes it feels like forever and sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday.  I miss my gorgeous Nan just as much, probably more in fact!  I'd give anything for one more cuddle.  I think about them both each and every day, and they are with me wherever I go.

Something else plays on my mind at this time of year, but this year it seems worse than normal.  I seem to be surrounded by adverts for Foster and Adoptive parents at the moment, together with pictures of cute children who need a new home.  It's a reminder of what I lost, a twist of the knife.

I should have been celebrating an 11th birthday round about now.  My son would have been in his last year at primary school.  I say son, I don't know if it would have been a boy or girl, but I'm convinced it was a boy.  My pregnancy was so different to when I had CC, so it had to be a boy right?  I only had him for about 14 weeks or so, but it felt like so much longer.  I knew I was pregnant pretty much within days, I know most people won't believe that, but I did.  Well before my period was even due, let alone late.  Totally the opposite from my previous one.  Knowing about it so early made it feel like I had him for longer, and he sat on my bladder the whole time, so really made his presence felt for those few months too!  lol  I even started feeling him move, so he was very real to me.  But I'm not very good at being pregnant, so he was gone.

I think of him a lot!  Would he have had his Dad's eyes?  How tall would he be?  Would he have played football for Wales......

I'm too old to be having a baby now, plus it would be so hard with my MS.  But the fact of the matter is its extremely unlikely that I'd be able to get pregnant even if I wanted to, virtually impossible.  Which kinda makes me want it more?  I'm a strange creature, always want what I can't have.  Especially at this time of year when its so fresh in my mind.

So its a contradiction of feelings for me.  Outwardly happy, smiling for the world, focusing on all the nice things that Christmas will bring, my outward facing persona.  But when I'm on my own away from watching eyes, I think about what might have been, and cry for what wasn't to be, and all those I no longer have.

Well that went down a strange path.  I do apologise for my ramblings!

C xx

Coming to America

This blog is coming to you, as the title suggests, from America! 

This holiday has been in the planning for 2 years! It has always felt like it would never actually arrive, then suddenly here we are!! I stressed myself silly for the last few weeks before we left, in fact I must have been a nitemare to live with I've been so on edge!  I actually made myself ill the last few days, culminating in me spending most of the last night before we flew in the bathroom of the hotel! 

We set off from the hotel on Sunday morning to head to the airport, this should be relatively uneventful right? Not a bit of it! Firstly we got a bit lost on the way to the airport, my stressing meant I wasn't being at my most objective, and I missed the signs! Then the queue to the carpark was ridiculous, it took forever to get in. Never mind being early for check in, we were looking like we'd be rushing at this rate! 

So safely checked in and with all the cases under the 23kg limit, well just about for mine! Hope I don't buy too much, I may have to pay for an extra case on the way home! We headed for security, we sailed through without a problem, however my friends weren't so lucky! Both adults got pulled aside for frisking, and both kids got pulled aside to have their bags searched! 

Through security eventually and about to do a bit of shopping when a guy taps G on the shoulder to ask if one of us had lost a phone. That would be me then! I frantically searched my bag, and as I feared, my phone was missing. Only a nice new iPhone 5! Luckily it was handed in and we were soon reunited. Disaster averted! What is it about me and trips to America and losing phones. I left my brand new (2 weeks old) iPhone 4S in the back of a cab when I arrived in New York, got that back too. I'm sure I have a phone guardian angel! 

So we got on the flight, with all our belongings and were ready for the long trip ahead. Although even that was a close call, the signs saying which gate to board at had a glitch and just said wait. Good job we asked, we made it to the gate a few minutes before boarding started! It was a long flight too! We took off at 11:30am in London and landed at LAX at just before 3pm, 11pm in England. The transit through the airport was uneventful, and we were finally in the USA and on our way to get our hire car. This was where it all went a bit wrong, we joined the 2 and a half hour wait to get our cars! I've never seen anything like it, it was crazy! What a start to the holiday! 

Finally we drove down the freeway to Anaheim and checked into our hotel, went up to the room to find all the bed linen in a pile, the room hadnt been cleaned yet! Welcome to America!! We quickly moved rooms and before we knew it we were sitting in Denny's having our long awaited first meal in California, and waiting to see if J fell asleep in his like he did in the first night in Florida!     

The nightmare ends

In my last blog I talked about the turning points, those moments that subtly changed something within me.  They were things that weren't really under my control, situations that happened, that I found myself in, but that were key in changing my life.

The single most important, and life changing moment that was of her making was the decision to leave her job.  Her safe, steady, known role, and branch out into something new.  This something new led her to be working at the local hospital, led her to meeting new people, doing new things, broadening her horizons.  These were the things that truly changed her life.  He no longer knew where she would be and when, couldn't predict her shift pattern, didn't know who she was working with.  She went out more, socialised more and met new people.  She worked for a while in the local emergency department, and looking back now she blossomed.  She met so many new people, her confidence grew, she worked hard, this was noticed, and she was in demand.  All the Sister's wanted her on their ward or department, she felt wanted.  No-one can begin to imagine how much this helped her.  She no longer felt useless at everything.

With her good friend back in the city, she went out and had fun.  Actually acted her age, did what everyone else was doing in their early twenties.  Couple this with all the new people she was meeting at work and her world started to expand again.  All of these things coming together were the last and most important part of her transformation from caged caterpillar to social butterfly.  She met someone, at a party in a club one night, someone she knew through work but had never really spoken to properly.  They got chatting, and something clicked.  They talked all night.  She saw him at work a few days later and her heart beat a little faster.  After a couple of weeks of casual chatting at work they agreed to go for a drink with other friends, the spark was definitely there.  

One night they went for a drive, and talked.  She told him about her marriage, that it was all but over, but she didn't tell him why.  He was in a complicated relationship too, so they decided to be friends and see where things ended up.  They spent time together with other friends, and occasionally alone.  Nothing happened as they were both with other people.  But bit by bit she fell in love with him, and she likes to think he fell just a little bit in love with her too.  What this did show her is that love didn't have to mean pain.  It showed her what it felt like to be treated properly by a man.  Not controlled.  Someone who was interested in her, for who she was, who listened when she talked.  Most of all someone who encouraged her, told her to follow her dreams.  Told her she was beautiful, and treated her like she was too.  Told her she was clever and could do anything she set her mind to.

He slowly gave her back her confidence, and in doing that gave her back her life.  What he also did was give her the courage to change.  He was like her knight in shining armour.  He went away on holiday and while he was gone things came to a head, OM was offered a job working away and she told him to take it.  No big fight, no tears and tantrums, strange after all the water that had gone under the bridge, all of the pain.  No big bang, just a whimper.  She told him to take it, to go, and not to hurry back.  

He packed his things and put them all into the car and one Sunday afternoon when she arrived home from work as she walked in he walked out, got into the car and drove away.  That was it, the end.  It wasn't acknowledged that it was the end, the words weren't spoken, but she knew.  She shut the front door and sat down in the lounge, looked around her and breathed a huge sigh of relief, she finally felt free.  She knew she would never be under the same roof as him again, knew she couldn't, whatever that meant for the future.

This makes it all sound so easy, it wasn't.  Things got a lot worse before they got better.  Things got rough, but with each fight she got a little stronger.  Each put down made her more determined to pull herself back up.  It got nasty, but she also started to see things for what they really were.  She even caught him in the pub one night with one of the other women in his life.  She was knocked down mentally and physically, but every time she got back up she was a little harder to knock next time, and boy did he try.  Which makes the way it ended even more strange. It was almost like he looked at her one day and realised she wasn't that girl any more and just gave up?

Her knight came back off holiday and everything had changed.  They had changed for her and they had changed for him too.  Things never did quite work out for them in the end, but they had an amazing summer.  He was a true friend for saving her from herself, for giving her the courage to be herself, and for teaching her how to love.

He will always be a friend, and I will never forget him for what he did for me.  I truly believe it would have taken me so much longer to come out the other side without his support.  He made me believe in myself again.  He holds a very special place in my heart and I will always love him.  But I also believe that even without him I would have come out the other side, eventually.

My story is very different from many others.  I was lucky to not have children involved, so it was easier for me as I only had myself to think of.  I also had good friends, once I realised and reached out to them.  They supported me, even without knowing the full story and the true nature of what was happening,  They were just there for me, unconditionally.  I found things out later like he was even with another woman a week before we were married, and many other stories that made me realise what a lucky escape I'd had.

The butterfly effect?

In my previous post I talked about the young me and how her wedding day was the start of the end of her nightmare.  Most people find this strange, as by marrying him she tied herself to him even more.  It wasn't the act of marrying him that changed things but the reception.  All of her friends were there, including all her old friends she no longer saw much of.  In fact most of the people she loved were in that room together, family and friends.  It was like a light-bulb moment.  When she looked around that room she saw so many people that were all there for her.  His family were there, but he had few friends.  By far the majority of the people in the room were there because of her, so many people that loved her, and missed her.  It was quite a party too, she had a great time.  What she also realised at the end of the night was that while she had been having fun, none of the day had been spent with the man she'd just married.  She'd spent it with her friends and family.  People who had travelled from Ireland, Wales and from across England to spend the day with her.  They must think something of her to go to that trouble right?  She must be worth something to them?

She danced, she chatted, she laughed and she had endless hugs and kisses and demands not to be so distant in the future, in short she felt so loved at the end of the night that something inside her changed.  What she had was a little glimpse of what life could be like.  Add to this the fact that her Dad was finally around for the first time in her life, properly available to her and seeing her regularly.  The final piece in the jigsaw was one of her close friends from her younger days moving back to Coventry a few months later, and so also being available to her.  More than available in fact, but actively wanting to spend time with her.

Day to day life resumed again after the wedding and a few days away.  But she was never quite the same again.  Slowly, one small step at a time she took back her life, very subtly at first and without really realising what she was doing.  Its only looking back now that she can she what happened.  That small change that had happened meant she questioned more, only small things at first, but as her confidence grew she questioned more!  This was a slow process and very little changed for a long time, but almost like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, she began to break out.  

As he started to realise what was happening he held on to her tighter than ever.  Pulled in the reins and tried to up the level of control.  Objected more to everything she did, caused more rows every time she said she was doing something.  So many times when he started a row she just wouldn't do whatever it was he objected to, for a quiet life.  Now she was doing it anyway, so the fights got bigger, he got rougher, there was more abuse.  The final realisation came one day when he had started another row and she had stood up to him, he got so angry before she knew what was happening she found herself pinned up against the wall by her throat and he raised his fist.  In that moment she knew at last that she was wrong when she said he would never hit her, she now not only knew he would, but she knew that if she did nothing it would only get worse.

She fought back, he was so shocked he stopped for a few seconds, and in that few seconds she ran, out of the door and down the street, no coat, no bag, just ran........... and hid.  Hid in the church yard for a couple of hours, it seemed fitting, some sort of sanctuary.  It was quiet and she could think.  As I remember it rained, but she hardly noticed, she felt nothing, a strange sort of numbness had washed over her.  She sat and thought, long and hard.  Thought about her life, thought about her options, thought about what would happen if she did nothing, thought about what might happen if she did something, and what something it was that she should do.

She knew she would have to go home eventually, but also knew he would have calmed down by then.  You hear about men that always say sorry and beg for forgiveness just to do it again and again.  He was never sorry, it was just never referred to, never spoken about, as if it had never happened, so there was nothing to be sorry about. This day was no different in that way, but it had changed things forever.  Their relationship was all but over that day, the rest was just the details, the tidying up.  She pointed out to him at some point that if he ever laid another hand on her she would tell his brother, this seemed like the ultimate threat, well that and stabbing him in his sleep.  But she had already decided he wasn't worth doing time for.   

One day she remembers vividly they were arguing about her hobby, and why she spent so much time doing it.  She told him that the people she was with valued her contribution and wanted her around, and the people she was helping needed her, three things she wasn't in that house, wanted, needed or valued.  And she walked away calmly for the first time.

 

The nightmare begins!

Many many years ago in a previous life a naive 19 year old got chatting to a much older man in the pub she frequented.  A few months later, she was 20, things had moved on and she had started to see more of him, he was almost 11 years her senior.  Things at home weren't great, she had what at best would be called a difficult relationship with her Step Father, and this was deteriorating with time.

As things at home got more difficult, it became more obvious that she wouldn't be able to stay much longer and she started looking at what her options were.  One day she was talking to Older Man (OM) about looking for somewhere to rent when he came up with the idea they get somewhere together.  Because things were so bad she thought it wasn't a bad idea and the seed was sown.  They bought their house as her relationship at home hit an all time low.  More and more her life revolved around OM and his family.  The family collectively came to the conclusion that the next step was engagement and on her 21st they got engaged. This was followed less than 2 years later by a wedding.

The wedding was another family affair, they organised most of it, with her input really only being paying for it.  Even her dress was chosen by someone else.  In some ways it didn't even feel like her day, and if she's honest, she knew in her heart she shouldn't be doing it, but didn't know how not to.  In fact most bizarrely on the day she felt like she watched the whole ceremony happening to someone else. She stood at the back and watched the girl in the pretty dress get married.  Most strangely however, it was her wedding day that started her journey out of the nightmare she was stuck in.  The wedding was the start of the end of her marriage, and of the control he had over her.

Looking back it started slowly, so slowly she didn't even realise that anything had changed.  Because they had moved into the house she didn't go out as much.  He worked a lot of evenings so she found herself home on her own a lot.  When they did socialise it was with his family.  More and more she was distanced from her friends, not in a sudden way, she just saw a little less of them as time went by until she hardly saw them at all.  Thankfully. she carried on with her hobby, mainly because his family were involved in this too, and this  eventually helped her escape.

At the same time as distancing her from her friends he started to chip away at her confidence, only very subtly at first, but slowly he knocked her down.  It started out as jokes.  Little jokes that put her down.  She was fat, she couldn't cook, she was useless at pretty much everything.  Upping the anti slowly.  Eventually convincing her that she was no good at anything and that no-one else would ever want her.  When she talked about learning to drive he soon put that one to bed, he was quite happy having her dependant upon him, he wasn't in a hurry to see her independent.

Someone once asked her if he hit her, she answered a categorical no, and he hadn't.  What she chose not to admit, even to herself, was while he hadn't actually hit her it didn't mean he wasn't violent or physically abusive.  What he did used to do was throw her at the wall.  Sometimes from across the room, but always hard. Sometimes so hard she would hit the wall and land in a crumpled heap on the floor crying.  Was she scared of him?  Absolutely!  While he wasn't significantly taller than her, he was very stockily built and considerably stronger, and as much as she would never have admitted it, she was intimidated by him.

Something else that she has only recently come to terms with, and indeed it was only years after it ended that she finally managed to acknowledge it had even happened, was the sexual abuse.  I won't go into detail, but suffice to say she was made to do things she didn't want to, despite the fact it caused her pain and discomfort.  This has an effect on her to this very day, and probably always will.

But despite it all every day she painted on the smile for the outside world and went to work, or went about her business, hiding from the world what was going on behind closed doors and what was going on inside her head.

It can happen to anyone......

It's been a busy few weeks settling in to my new job, getting my head round all the new things I have to learn, and the new services I have to get to know.  The job is so varied I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever know enough about it.

I can be visiting a Stop Smoking service in the morning and in a meeting about sexual health in the afternoon.  The other day I was paying GP bills for Health Checks when someone in the office casually piped up about how she was going to have to opt in to receive porn in the brave new internet world.  After we all stopped giggling we all agreed we couldn't do our job if we didn't as so much of the day revolves around alcohol, sex and drugs.  The only thing we don't get is the rock n roll.

I have to say however, I am loving the new job.  Sometimes you just have to take a risk, and this was a risk worth taking.  It was absolutely the right move for me, and the best thing that I could have done.  Most of the people are fab too.  They will never be my old gang, but they are a pretty good bunch on the whole.

Some of the things I've touched on and will be getting much more involved in over the coming months are services providing support to people who have experienced domestic violence and sexual abuse.  These services have struck a particularly personal chord with me.

Some people who know me will know that a very long time ago, in what sometimes feels like a previous life, I was involved in an abusive relationship.  Very few people know many of the details, no-one knows them all.  Seeing these services from the inside has made me think about it quite a lot recently, most of it I've just packed away and not thought about for a very long time.

Very few people who knew me before, during or after would imagine for a minute that I'd be the sort of person who would be the victim of abuse of any kind.  The 'Me' of today likes to think that she never would again, but then the 'Me' of then never would have thought she would either, sometimes you just don't see it coming until its too late.  Then getting out of the situation is a whole different ball game.

That's why I've decided to blog a bit about it.  Talk about the situation I found myself in, how I saw it then and how I see it now.  I guess I'm making the point that it can happen to anyone.  So for the first time, I'm going to share my story, maybe not all of it, but as much as I can manage.

It took me a very long time afterwards to even acknowledge that it was an abusive relationship.  Not wanting to accept what had happened maybe?  If I don't talk about it then it hasn't happened.  For example its only fairly recently that I have accepted that there were some elements of sexual abuse involved.  However even now, nearly 20 years later it still affects my life from time to time.  It took me till the age of 38 to start learning to drive because he convinced me I was too stupid to drive and would kill someone.

Every man that ever gets close to me will also pay a price for what he did, to one extent or another, even all these years later.  It will always be there in the back of my head, some of it has got better with time, but it will always remain.  It affects some levels of intimacy.  Then there's my almost total lack of self esteem, and need for constant reassurance.  I rarely feel worthy and can't see why anyone would love me, so challenge that constantly, and need to keep hearing it to even begin to believe it.  I have a very low opinion of myself, and invite others to have a similarly low one, then take it to heart when they do!  In essence I'm damaged, and probably always will be.

My new path.....

Hadn't realised it had been quite so long since I last blogged.  I have been in my new job for 7 weeks now, and its been quite a ride.  I've had quite a busy few weeks in one way or another.

The only down side is I'm missing my friends at work.  I'm missing the giggle we have, and the chats, and just having them there to watch your back.  I'm also missing out on the day to day stuff that you just talk about when you're in an office together.  Stuff you forget to talk about when you meet up for a gossip.  It just means we have to make more of an effort to spend time together, and actually strangely I appreciate the time we do spend together that much more.

After complaining for the first few weeks in my new job that I didn't have enough to do the honeymoon is well and truly over.  I have a huge 'to do' list and a pile of paperwork on my desk to plough through, invoices to pay etc.  I spent a cool half a million in one press of a button a couple of weeks ago.  I also have some local procedures to write and a database to set up, but the day job keeps getting in the way.  I've had 1:1's with most of the team, and have picked up a few services that I will be managing.  All in all I have to say that I think I'm going to love it.  I doubted at first that I had done the right thing, but now I'm sure I have.  

It is such a varied job, one minute I'm dealing with stop smoking services, the next I'm having a conversation about sexual health, then I'm looking at child health checks.  It takes some getting your head around I can tell you!  It has also changed the way I look at the world, I know how cheesy that sounds but it has! I notice things I'd never have noticed before.  I've been doing my homework and reading around the subject too, and its been a real eye opener.  Turns out its a subject you really can get your teeth into and get passionate about.  I find myself having the 'Make every contact count' type conversations with people.  

I've also spent lots of time with friends over the last few weeks.  There have been several nights out, a few lunch dates and lots of chats over a cuppa!  The nights out involved lots of vodka and a considerable amount of misbehaving!  I was heard to say on one night out "Well I don't work with them any more, I don't have to do the walk of shame on Monday, so I can misbehave as much as I like!"  And I did!!!  I have a new party trick that started as a way to maximise what I could carry from the bar, involved a bottle of Bud and moved on to a novel way to drink from the bottle.  One of my ex colleagues is scarred for life! 

I have danced far too much, resulting in me not being able to walk for 3 or 4 days each time, and after one night out my entire body shut down for 3 days, I even had to use two hands to lift a cup of tea.  But it was worth every ache and pain!  This weekend it was a Champagne Breakfast with the A Team, the ladies I used to work with about 4 years ago.  It was so lovely to see them all, and the food was fab, as were the bubbles.  

I have even fitted in ticking the first thing off my bucket list!  I did an observer shift with the ambulance service a few weeks ago.  I absolutely loved it, in fact I was buzzing when I got home.  This will be the subject of another blog very soon, so I won't say too much else, except for the fact that I really HAVE to do it again.  I'm currently in negotiation with the paramedic to get another date to go out later in the year.  It even appeals to the new hat I'm wearing for work, I looked at everything we did with new eyes.  The lads looked after me really well too, they were fab.  I loved the Tech, he was such a giggle, and we shared a certain slightly twisted sense of humour.  What can I say, 12 hours with two men in uniform, and lots of opportunities to see others too, what more could a girl ask for? hehehe

Another week!

The last two weeks have been incredibly challenging for me.  My last week in my old job, which was actually only 3 days thanks to the Bank Holiday, was quite a strange experience.  I had to clear my desk, this meant I generated a huge pile of stuff to shred.  The admin person is probably still trying to tackle it.  It made me realise what a hoarder I am, I'd pretty much kept everything I'd done for the last 3 years, I'm terrible for keeping things just in case.  I have hung on to a few bits and pieces however, mainly stuff that shows the bits I'm most proud to have been involved in.  I did find all my training certificates that I thought were lost too.

I said so many Goodbyes, starting on the Wednesday, as some people only work certain days.  They ambushed me to give me some gifts despite me saying I didn't want a fuss.  Before I knew it about 30 people had crammed into the room to watch me being humiliated.  I was surprised and humbled by the things people had to say however.  Maybe I wasn't such a cow to work with after all?

Friday was a really hard day.  I cried so much, tears of joy and laughter   My friends made it such a lovely day for me, and we did giggle lots.  I don't think I will ever again feel like that about leaving a job!  They are an incredible bunch of people and I'm privileged to have been part of it.

This week has been a bit surreal.  I feel like a spare part, and don't know if I will ever get to grips with it all? I miss my friends so much!  It is such a different environment than I'm used to, very corporate.  The Director is 2 offices away, and the Chief Executive of the council is just along the corridor.  Thought I'd made it through the week without bumping in to him, and in he wanders while I'm in the kitchen on Friday afternoon. Its only a matter of time before I get myself into trouble this close to the corridors of power!  But so far so good.

Probably the most surreal moment however was the Director telling me she liked my tights.

I'm exhausted after the last two weeks, my body is giving up.  So I'm going to curl up in a ball and hibernate for the rest of the weekend!!

Looking back..

I have been remembering with fondness some of the many adventures I've had over the last 17 years. Some of the memories are however a little less fond than others.

When people find out what we do they often say a couple of things. The most common is "I don't know how you do that job", or "I couldn't do that", or other variations on that theme. Most of the sentiments being that you have to be a bit special to do it. No, actually what we are on the whole is a little bit bonkers! The other question is often about how you got into the job? This got me to thinking about my first day.....

I was doing some work for a well known nursing agency of the time, and was asked to go for a week at a day service for people with learning disabilities. It wasn't very far from home, which was a bonus, and I was told it was no uniform. Monday morning came and I had a 9am start, and just up the road, meaning I didn't have to leave the house till about 08:40 (I like to be early). This made a pleasant change from leaving the house just after 6am, for 7am starts!

I arrive bright and early, to be met by the manager, assigned my team for the day and be given my personal alarm. A personal alarm..... this should have rung alarm bells, if you'll pardon the pun? Anyway we got things ready for the day and soon after the folks started to arrive.

"Can you just help get Lizzie in?" No problem with that I thought, maybe she's unsteady on her feet? I head out to the minibus, just as Lizzies feet have touched the pavement, and within 30 seconds she started to take her clothes off. What the...... OK, let's move fast and get her out of the street! I got her safely inside still with some clothing and breathed a sigh of relief, phew, if that's the worst that happens today I'll be grand! Then she bit me! It's going to be a long day!

Later that morning I was with the group, 3 staff and 3 clients in a relaxation session. One gentleman got so relaxed he took all his clothes off, then decided it was time to leave, my cue. I tried to explain that he'd have to get dressed before he could leave, but he was having none of it. So there I am standing in front of the door trying to reason with him. "Mark, please just put your clothes on and we'll go". With that Mark picked up his clothes, I'm thinking I've got a result and it's all good. Then he dumps them all in a pile at my feet and proceeds to pee all over them, and just for good measure he pee's on my feet too! That'll teach me!

The end of the day is nigh, and we're getting everyone ready to go home. The light is finally appearing at the end of the tunnel, and I'm still in one piece. I'm walking through reception to take some bags out to the bus when I feel an almighty wallop across the back of the head. It was Susan, and my crime was.... wearing glasses! The folks are all headed home, and I won't be far behind them, when the Manager calls me in, "How did your first day go?".

"All good thanks, see you in the morning!" And the rest as they say is history!

Incidentally on my second day I was on the receiving end of a pretty significant assault when a client tried to put me through a window, leaving me with very severe bruising over a large part of my body. I was very soon given a permanent job, and 17 years later I'm still coming back for more.

So you see, not really special at all! Just completely bonkers!

Another milestone!

The coming week will mark a huge milestone in my life, and will be the end of an era.  I have worked in Learning Disabilities services in one capacity or another for over 17 years, and on Friday I will be closing that chapter of my life and moving on.  I have been doing this for the majority of my working life.  Its what I know, its what I do, and its what I have been passionate about for so long!  Its almost who I am.  How can I even think about walking away from that? 

I know I have made the right decision, really I do!  I am also really looking forward to the challenge ahead, I'm told its going to be a huge.  I'm sure I'll find new things to be passionate about too.  But I genuinely don't know how I'm going to manage the leaving.  Just the thought of it causes floods of tears, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to get through the week.

I'm a bit of an anorak, and like to know as much as I can about what I'm doing.  I have this where I am.  I have so much stored up knowledge, I can often answer queries without having to go to my electronic records and look.  I'm the office geek!  I have the benefit of shared history, so know why people are where they are, or how they got there and when.  A week on Monday I will be the new girl who knows nothing.  This is a feeling I have not experienced for a very long time.

The time is right for me to move on, the changes happening with the service and the changes to the job I do are starting to frustrate me already.  So if I stayed it would drive me insane sooner rather than later.  But change is scary!  The whole thing terrifies me.  There is still a part of me that thought I'd retire still working in LD services, that I'd be sat at my desk doing my thing for the rest of my working life.  In fact a small part of me is still in denial and hasn't quite come to terms with what is happening yet.  This is the bit that allows me to function daily at work and not spend the whole day crying!

I am very lucky to have worked with so many lovely people over the years, and to have made some incredible friends along the way.  I hope that some of these will be with me for life.  In fact some of the people I class as my closest friends of all are people I have met through work.  Its been an incredible ride over the years, with some monumental highs and lows, although the highs by far outweigh the lows.  I've had tears and laughter, the tears have been both of joy as well as sadness.  I have so many fond memories, I'll have plenty to keep me amused when I'm old and stuck in a nursing home.  I foresee lots of reminiscing sessions ahead as I have arranged to catch up with a few people from the past over the next few months.

I had a lovely moment yesterday with a provider who we have worked alongside for quite a few years now.  I have always got on really well with her, but we have stayed at arms length because we have had to.  I did what will most likely be my last official bit with her, and as I was leaving she said the good thing was that now we wouldn't have a conflict of interest we could finally be friends.  She gave me her personal mobile number and we have arranged to catch up for lunch and a proper gossip really soon.

Today I had lunch with a lady who used to be a manager within the service, she was never my manager but we worked very closely.  She has been gone for 5 years, but has kept in touch and it was so nice to see her.  She still remembers her time with us fondly, and talked of how upset she was to leave.  She summed it up by saying what we had as a team and a service is a bit special, and quite rare too.  This is why its hard to leave, she understands where I'm coming from.

With all of these things going on I've done a lot of looking back over the last few weeks, and I know the next week will bring even more looking back.  There's a lot to look back on, 17 years is a long time!  These years have brought me much joy and made me the person I am today.  A week on Monday will bring a time to look forward and see what the future has in store for me.  I just hope they all like me!  I also hope I'm up to the job.....

But for now I will enjoy my memories, hug my friends lots, make the most of my last few days and cry buckets......

A role for the private sector in the NHS?

I have read a huge amount on twitter and in blogs of late about the role of the private sector within the NHS.  This commentary has been both as part of the wider picture of the changes happening within the NHS right now, and the ever increasing use of private ambulance services (PAS's) to prop up the traditional NHS services.  I have tried to join in, but 140 characters is just not enough, hence this blog.  Brace yourselves, it could be a long one!

I would like to make it clear from the outset that I am fully behind the NHS, and am horrified on a daily basis by some of the things that are happening that are slowly disintegrating the NHS as we know it.

I have made a few observations from what I have read.  Firstly in regards of the debate about private ambulance services practising within the NHS.  Many (and by no means do I mean all) of the people I observe who work for the PAS's seem to take any criticisms of these services or the way they are run and used as personal attacks on them as individuals, and seem unable to see the bigger picture or the point that some are trying to make.  Some become quite aggressive with it, this is a shame as it just reinforces the negative view of them that people may develop.  Thankfully this is not the case for all, and some of the more balanced individuals offer a different viewpoint which promotes the healthy debate of the issue.

In terms of the bigger picture, the public as a whole, and even many NHS employees, don't realise the longer term implications of the changes that are happening.  PAS's are just the tip of the iceberg.  The legislative framework that is currently being put together will force commissioners to go out to competitive tender for all services they believe could be potentially be provided by organisations other than the NHS.  So no longer will they just be able to contract with the local hospital for everything without exploring alternatives.  And lets be honest there can't be that many of the services the NHS provides that the private sector couldn't build a case for being able to do.  Especially huge organisations such as Care UK, Virgin etc, with their highly paid lawyers and experienced tendering teams.  We've all seen the results of Virgin taking on the government over the railway contract.  Do we really want to see this repeated across our beloved NHS?  Healthcare is big business!

So back to PAS's.  People have very strong opinions about these, which tend to sit firmly in one camp or the other.  I am slightly more unusual in being a little more neutral, and much of that is due to the viewpoint I have.  Because I work in commissioning I can see both sides of the coin and the reasons that they may be used by trusts.  I would like to add however I'm not a health commissioner, so I'm not the one tendering NHS contracts out to the private sector.  I thought I'd get that in quick to avoid the stoning I may be subjected to if found guilty.  So how do I see it, and what do I think?

The system of targets we have in the NHS these days sits firmly at the root of the problem.  Changes have been made to other aspects of NHS provision, such as the changes to out of hours GP services etc, this makes it harder for the public to access and shifts demand to other areas such as A&E and ambulance services.  When demand increases on the ambulance service, this makes the targets harder to hit.  When demand increases on A&E this results in over capacity and delays in ambulances being able to hand over.  Which makes targets even more hard to hit.  What happens when targets aren't hit, the Trusts get fined, which leaves less money to pay for the services, ultimately resulting in less staff to meet the targets.  Ever decreasing circles......

So what is the answer?  The top and bottom of it is that a PAS crew is cheaper than an NHS crew.  Their hourly rate may be comparable, but the rest of their terms and conditions won't be.  The NHS pension scheme alone is extremely expensive in terms of the employers contribution.  Not to mention the 6 months full pay and six months half pay that NHS staff get when they are sick.  They also get 25% on top of their basic pay as a shift allowance.  Then there are the overheads of the NHS infrastructure, that doesn't come cheap either.  That's before you start to make comparisons about training provision and the cost of this.  I'm not saying that the NHS staff shouldn't get this, I personally think they are worth every penny!  I'm just making the point that it doesn't come cheap.

In my job I see staff in a lot of different organisations, NHS, Local Government and many different and varied private and third sector (charities) companies.  I have been involved in TUPE transfers of staff and have seen the different terms and conditions for staff.  What I can guarantee is that none of the private organisations terms come anywhere close to the public sector ones.  I've also seen cost breakdown for service provisions and where the money goes, overhead costs etc.  So I do have a bit of an insight. 

NHS Trust managers will be looking at this equation and concluding that they can have more PAS crews, for less than it costs to put additional crews of their own on the road.  They will be proposing that if they use them for the less acute stuff, doctors urgent's, etc, this will free up their own staff to deal with the red calls and there is a better chance they will hit the targets and therefore maximise their income.  This hopefully will give them more money to spend on service provision in the future, and maybe even more staff.  Do I agree with it, no!  I think the services should be adequately resourced and shouldn't need to have a fall back plan.  Do I think we are stuck with it, yes!  So if we are stuck with it lets get it right!

Where this falls down is the way these services are commissioned.  I'd love to see the service specs, I'm guessing they are pretty vague.  The key to getting a good quality of service from these companies is to be specific from the outset.  Detail the minimum level training that staff at each grade MUST have.  Detail the staff skill mix that MUST be on every vehicle.  Detail the minimum standard of kit that MUST be on every vehicle, and that the staff MUST be trained to operate it.  That way there will be consistency across the board with every company, and NHS crews will know what to expect from every vehicle that arrives to back them up.

I have seen a lot written about attitude of staff.  In my journey through life I have experienced a lot of ambulance crews, mainly via work, but a few in my personal life also.  I can put my hand on my heart and say I have seen good and bad in both NHS and PAS's.  One such person with the worst attitude I have ever experienced from an ambulance crew was I'm sorry to say, an NHS employee.  Thankfully he is a rare breed! There are also those in the private sector that for whatever reason couldn't get into the NHS, or didn't cut in once they were in, and those who are in the uniform for the wrong reason and a little bit of power goes right to their heads.  Thankfully generally these also seem to be in the minority.

Some people use the argument that all of these private services are regulated by CQC, and so all must meet certain minimum standards.  I'm a little more sceptical about this, lets be honest CQC regulated Winterbourne View and had assessed them as meeting the standards, and I'm sure everyone is aware of what went on there.  They also registered a dom care agency in Birmingham who employed staff who weren't even CRB checked.  I personally think the organisation who holds the contract should be monitoring that they are getting what they pay for, and not just relying on the CQC perspective.

The problems come from the private companies trying to be ever more competitive to win the contracts, they come in with cheaper prices, and this means they have to cut corners somewhere.  They have very little wriggle room with staff hourly rates so those savings have to come from elsewhere.  Compromise on training?  Compromise on quality and amount of kit?  This isn't the fault of the staff on the ground floor, its the owners and managers, and the way the services are contracted. 

I don't know what the answer is.  But I do know that we are going to have these companies, so they need to be commissioned, managed and monitored properly.  Then everyone knows what they are getting and what they can expect.  If we are going to make the system work, we have to have consistency! The general public have a right to know what to expect when they dial 999.  The public need to be able to trust in the service in order to respect it and use it correctly!  Don't get me started on that, there's a whole other blog there in itself!  All ambulance staff have a right to expect a certain standard from their colleagues, whether they be NHS or private.  And everyone needs this to be able to work together seamlessly for the benefit of the patients when the chips are down.

I could rant on for hours more!  So I will make one last point......

I believe this is just the start, and that similar scenarios will begin to be increasingly played out across the wider NHS as time goes on.  This debate and many other similar ones will continue!

Please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think, I'd love to hear what other peoples views on the matter are!

Cx

Baby powder and Walnuts

It was a sunny Sunday morning and I didn't have a hangover.....bonus!  The absence of hangover was however only due to the fact that I was working an early, so decided to have a rare Saturday night in.  I hate working Sunday mornings in admissions.  You'd think Sunday mornings would be a piece of cake, not too busy, the Saturday night entertainment having been dealt with and it being too early for the Sunday lunch session to have taken effect.  If you are thinking this........ how wrong you are! 

Its the Church effect!  Anyone who has ever worked in emergency medicine will tell you how busy Sunday mornings are and how dangerous a place Church is on a Sunday.  Every Sunday morning sees a steady stream of patients through the doors that have been taken ill / collapsed / had heart attacks all whilst in church.  Honestly the place must be really bad for your health!

So we're having a pretty average church shift, with the odd left over drunk to entertain us a little.  Its about mid morning, the doors open and in wander a grinning ambulance crew with a stretcher containing a frail looking OAP. 

"This is Doris, 83, she lives at Apple Tree Grove residential home.  Doris has Dementia and when the staff were assisting her this morning they noticed, well a foreign body down below." 

Before they could say another word they were directed to a cubicle.

It was quickly discovered that Doris's foreign body was in fact a Johnson's Baby Powder container, inserted vaginally, opening end up. The verdict was reached that it was quite straight forward one to deal with. Remove the offending article, and as long as it wasn't open and the entire contents deposited inside it would be a fairly quick turnaround and Doris would be Apple Tree Grove bound again in no time!

The doctor was summoned and the surgeon on take this particular morning was only about four feet nothing tall, OK so that's a slight exaggeration but you get the picture? He arrived complete with head torch, looking for all the world like he was about to go caving!

The Baby Powder was quickly removed and a quick inspection showed no evidence of leakage. It happened to be the Sister supporting the doc on this case, and she showed Doris the container and asked her why she'd had it down below. The reply.........

To keep the walnuts in of course? What a silly question!

The doc looked at Sister and shook his head, she just smiled and suggested it might be a good idea if she held his feet in case he fell in. His torch came in handy after all! It's a bit like caving too I guess?

And as Sister pointed out to him, if she was convinced enough to put the baby powder up there, who's to say there wouldn't be walnuts? Nutcracker anyone?

First day of the rest of our lives.

This is an opportunity! Whatever happens today will change future events. The future pivots around You, Here, Now! So do good for humanity. Be extraordinary!!

Earlier this week we took the Teen to the Dr Who Experience in Cardiff.  She is a huge anorak, and massive Who fan.  She loved it!  Secretly so did I, but shhhh don't tell anyone!  At the start of the experience are a bunch of clips taken from various shows and the quote above is taken from one of them, and adapted a little.  The point of this is it really struck a chord with me, while sat on a little wooden bench in a small corner in Wales.

Earlier in the week at work I had two people crying in the space of a day.  Either this means I'm a real cow for making them both cry, or they both trusted me enough to confide in me and cry on my shoulder.  I'd like to think it was the latter rather than the former.  Both of them are people I no longer just consider to be work colleagues, but are in fact friends.  Both have an awful lot going on in their lives both at home and at work.  And I have cried on both of their shoulders at some time in the past.  I see it as an honour that they both chose to call in that favour, and that they know they can do that any time they need to.

One of them has reached a bit of a crossroads in life, and at work.  I totally get this, and she knows that, having been there myself very recently.  We talked a lot about all of this and where she would go from here, then just as we were about to head back to reality she said a sentence that may just have been the trigger for what will change her life.  Nothing big, quite simple in fact.  She said to me, "Do you know what my dream job is?  To be a Midwife."  That was it, that was the moment, the opportunity, the point in time that her future pivots around. 

We talked about how actually she's never had a better opportunity to do it, and she'll never get a better one again.  She's gone away, discussed it with her partner and made enquiries.  She's so lucky, she is going to follow her dream!  The quote at the top just seems so apt for her.

I'm not able to follow my dream now as it is no longer physically possible.  So I'm working on getting a new dream, its early days yet though.  Do I wish I'd followed my dream years ago when the opportunity was there?  Yes and no.  Yes because it was my dream job, and I know I'd have loved doing it, well at least for a while.  And no because all of the other things I've done have brought me to the point in life I'm at today.  Without that I wouldn't have many of the amazing people that I have in my life, and wouldn't have some of the people I love the most in the world.  So in a small way I do regret not doing it, but I wouldn't turn the clock back now. 

What I am doing now is making the most of the opportunities I have.  I am terrified about starting my new job.  I'm going into a totally different arena, dealing with a service that is completely new to me, in a team where I know nobody.  I'm leaving behind everything I know, wonderful people and everything I'm comfortable with!  To say I'm heading a little out of my comfort zone would be a massive understatement.  The old me would never have even considered it.

The new me knows that this is an opportunity.  That my future depends on this very thing.  That my journey through life is about to change massively.  That it all pivots around me, here, now! I want to do good, if not for humanity at least for my little bit of it.  I want to do what I do well.  Today really is the first day of the rest of my life.  I will do my very best to Be Extraordinary!!

Watch this space..........

C x

Things really do happen for a reason!

As you may have read in previous posts, and as anyone who knows me will know, I'm a great believer in Fate, and that things happen for a reason.  The last few months have been particularly difficult for me, and I've been struggling to see what the reason is.  Emotionally I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still a bit fragile, but I'm heading in the right direction, things are definitely on the up! 

I'm even starting to see what I think may be the reason I have been going through all this.  When I was at my lowest I saw a job advertised at Birmingham Children's hospital that I fancied, and applied for it.  Realistically I knew I wouldn't get shortlisted as I didn't have the right background for the job.  I'm also glad I didn't, as I really didn't fancy driving all that way every day.  What that did do is put me in a different frame of mind with regards to looking at jobs, it also had me looking on the NHS jobs website.  So I started putting in a few applications.  With each application my form got a bit better, I was honing my technique.  All in all I put in another 4 applications. 

Out of these 4 jobs, I was shortlisted for interviews for 3.  The first interview was also the highest grade post, and low and behold I got the job.  I have had very few interviews in my life, and have a bizarre record of so far being offered every job I have been interviewed for, my record continues!  As this is the best paid one, and means I will have continuous service and can keep my pension the same etc I have decided not to go for the other interviews, no point putting myself through that! 

But forget all that....... I GOT THE JOB!!  It's still sinking in, I keep expecting to wake up.  If nothing else that's quite an ego boost, I beat 5 other people to the finish line.

Its all provisional at the moment, and I have to wait for the recruitment process to be done.  Then will come the hardest part of all.  Leaving my current job.  On the whole I enjoy my job, and most importantly I love the people, but if I stay it will be for the wrong reasons, for the people not the job.  I told a few of my closest friends today, and cried buckets.  This is only going to get worse over the next few weeks! The carpets will be soggy by the time my last day arrives.  But I know its the best thing for me.

This is clearly the reason for it all.  This is the path that Fate was preparing.  I'm even more convinced of that than ever after my future manager told me that they had advertised the post before and interviewed but they didn't get anyone good enough to appoint.  So maybe fate was saving the job for me for when the time was right?  One thing I do know is that if all of these dreadful things hadn't happened over the last few months I would never have even looked for a new job, let alone gone as far as applying and going for an interview.  I'd have been much too scared!  But what has been happening has been so scary it almost made this look like a piece of cake.  It made me realise I could feel the fear and do it anyway!  So maybe things do happen for a reason after all?

Its a huge step, totally out of my comfort zone, into a completely new area that I know very little about.  It's really really scary stuff!  But you know what, I think I may just be up to the challenge!  The next few months will be incredibly hard, but hopefully it will all be worth it.  Its going to be exciting, hard, and challenging, I can't wait. 

However hard it's been, today is the first day of the rest of my life!

C x

The most attended to patient in the hospital!

Before I start I think it may be helpful to do a bit of scene setting to put things into context.  Many years ago I worked in an emergency admissions unit in an average sized city.  The hospitals in the city back then were on a split site, as were the emergency departments.  The 'Casualty' department was on one site, and took the trauma half of the work along with most of the self presenting 'walk-in' patients.  The EAU was on the other site, and took all medical and surgical emergencies, GP referrals and self presenting patients who knew the system and didn't want to sit in A&E waiting, get transferred by ambulance and sit in EAU waiting again.

As we took all the medical stuff we got the joy of all the OD's, drunks etc, while the other site got all the glamour.  Well thats how it felt some days.  We had quite a fan base of regular customers, who would present themselves with varying complaints and kept us entertained.  Patients that presented at A&E with medical complaints that needed investigating or more than just very basic treatment would be transferred to the EAU via ambulance.  Anyone that experienced trauma of any decription, regardless of how close to us they were would be taken to the other site.  This was demonstrated one day when there was an RTC on site, an ambulance was dispatched and the casualties were taken to the other hospital for treatment.

It was an average day in EAU, a weekday afternoon in early summer.  Nothing much of note had happened. the steady stream of patients that had come through the door had been the usual mix of medical and surgical complaints that we saw every day.  No really really poorly ones, no heroics, and quite a few that really could have gone to their GP instead.  The unit wasn't rammed, but we weren't that infamous 'Q' word either.  Every cubicle contained a patient, as did every corridor, and we played chess with them, moving people around every so often as need dictated. 

Another ambulance pulled up outside the doors, the crew were showing no signs of being in a particular hurry, so we weren't expecting anything much to challenge us in the back of this one.  If we'd had a competition to guess what was coming there is not one person in the hospital that would have called it.  A few minutes later a stretcher was wheeled through the door attached to two smiling medics and containing a fairly young, and quite healthy looking chap who apart from looking a little flushed and slightly uncomfortable, looked in rude health.  Now the benefit of experience is knowing that looks can be deceiving, but the crew didn't look concerned either, so we were fairly sure on this occasion that looks weren't deceiving us at all.

In fact rather than looking concerned, on closer inspection, the crew were sporting an altogether different look, something much more akin to mirth.  They were desperately trying to keep straight faces as they pulled up alongside the desk to give their brief summary of the patient and to see where we wanted him. 

"Male, 28, obs stable, errrrrrr probably a surgical case, where do you want him guys?"

The staff nurse on the desk, looked a little miffed.  "I think thats for us to decide don't you?  Whats the presenting complaint?"

There were lots of people milling around the area and the patient was looking increasingly more uncomfortable by the second.  The paramedic doing the handover was also finding it harder to keep a straight face.  "Well I guess you could kind of call it a foreign body type case, ummmm can we just get him into a cubicle......"

"Put him in 7 and bring me the paperwork."

Me:  "Do you guys need a hand getting him over on to the trolley?"

"No we're good, he's pretty mobile really, we'll take care of it"

Bizarre, they are normally more than happy to have us settle the patient in, ah well.  A few minutes later the crew head back to the desk to present the paperwork and give the handover.  A hush descended as we all listened intently.

"Male, 28, normally fit and healthy, nothing of note in his obs, attempted DIY penis extension, resulting in two lorry wheel nuts being firmly wedged on his 1%." 

As the 'penis' word was uttered heads shot up like meercats, and everyone who hadn't been listening at that point pinned back their ears and tried to catch up.  Silence..... open mouths, followed by several staff trying desperately to keep a straight face and remain professional.  The crew left to go and have a giggle in the privacy of their ambulance.

The man in question, lets call him Steve, was settled in and the paperwork done.  The surgical team examined him and he explained that he thought the weight of the wheel nuts would stretch 'little Steve'.  What did happen was that as the blood flowed around the area the pressure from the nuts stopped it flowing out again and the end got more and more swollen.  The result was an angry looking, red swollen bulge. at the bottom of two large metal lorry nuts.  We tried cold packs to try and reduce things a little, lubrication to try and help things along, but nothing was shifting those nuts.  The conclusion was reached that there was nothing in the hospital strong enough to cut through this thickness of metal, and as he was not keen on the idea of cutting little Steve off, the Water Fairies were summoned. (for the uninitiated thats the Fire Service)

Word soon spread through the unit and the hospital beyond.  A steady stream of nurses popped their heads around the curtain, is there anything we can get you sir? Sorry no, you can't have a cup of tea, you're nil by mouth.  Are you comfortable?  Do you need to use the bathroom (giggle giggle).  Everyone wanted to get a glimpse of our blushing boy and his well and truly wedged nuts.  Anyone not in the know that was around the department that afternoon would have been forgiven for thinking we were the best resourced unit in the entire NHS there were that many staff around.  Meanwhile we carried on applying cold packs while we waited for his knights in a red fire engine to ride in to his rescue.

By far the highlight of the day for me was the arrival of Trumpton, in fire kit, with their industrial cutting gear to do the business, and the look of sheer terror on the face of the patient when he caught a glimpse of the kit.  You could sense his fear on behalf of little Steve, and his disbelief that they could cut the nuts off (the metal ones) without any damage to what they were attached to, or indeed any other nuts! 

They were all packed off to theatre for the procedure to be carried out under anaesthetic, so we missed the best bit!  The rest of the afternoon was very dull by comparison, but we had a great story to chat about over lunch for a while!

We could write a book.......

If I had a pound for everytime I've heard that or said it, well I'd have quite a few pounds thats for sure! In a few of the jobs I've done in my life there have been experiences that are not what you'd call every day occurences.  Some of these happened while I was working in an emergency admissions unit in the dim and distant past.  Others during my long and interesting journey through services for adults with learning disabilities.  During these years there have been many occasions when I have been reminiscing with colleagues/friends about things that we had experienced together, and we would often say at the end of these wanders down memory lane "we could write a book". 

Following a bit of a reminisce this afternoon with an old mucker from my St John days I started thinking about writing some of it down.  I love reading some of the stories on other peoples blogs, especially some of the UK EMS ones, so I thought I might share some of my own over the next few weeks and months. 

Names will of course be changed to protect the innocent, and more importantly protect the guilty! To be fair some of the stories are that old I probably couldn't remember the names if my life depended on it!  My ED days were about 17 or 18 years ago, so most of the patients I will recount stories about probably aren't even still around.

Please please feel free to comment, tell me what you think, if you want more etc?  Tell me where you're from or how you ended up here?  If you enjoy the stories tell your friends, if not tell me!

Right I'm off to make a list of stories I remember while they are in my head and think about which one to write first. 

And if you're reading this from Guernsey, hello!  Say Hi, I'd love to hear from you!

Sentimental Old Fool

Over the last couple of weeks I've started to have a bit of a spring clean / de-clutter.  I've decided it's time to be ruthless and get rid of lots of junk.  For those of you who don't know me I have to admit to being a bit of a hoarder.  I keep things just in case they might come in handy some time in the next 20 years.  The problem is usually when I need something I forget I have it and go out and buy something to do the job, only remembering weeks or months after that I already had something.  I am also a sentimental old fool, so the other category of hoarding is things which bring back memories, no matter how obscure these items may be. 

The de-cluttering is a slow process, due to me not being on top form at the moment, but I figure it doesn't matter as long as I get there in the end.  The first hoarding category is easier to deal with, and I am quite proud of myself that I have been quite successful in getting rid of lots of junk.  The second is however much more difficult, and my success in this area has been more limited.  Thankfully however on the whole the number of items which fall into this category is much smaller. 

I've given myself a good long talking to about the situation and have managed on the whole to be really quite disciplined.  I'm a terrible book worm and have hundreds of books, I have also passed this gene onto the teen and she is fast competing with me on this.  So we sorted out the first book case, and both got rid of lots of books, me more than her to be fair, although I still have more left than her.  But I have been working on my book collection for a lot more years than she has!  I have only kept my favourite books and favourite authors, bags and bags of books have gone to the charity shop!  Despite this there is still some doubling up going on, but much, much less than before.

We've emptied drawers and bags and bags of rubbish have gone, along with more bags of assorted stuff to the charity shop.  I found Easter bonnet making stuff in one drawer, and we last did Easter bonnet making about 7 years ago, see what I mean now.  Kept it just in case.  Not any longer.  I am absolutely positive that at some point over the next few months I will need something and curse myself because I know I'll have thrown it away, but that's a chance I'll have to take.  I'm actually quite proud of myself!

One bonus of this has been the memories that doing this has brought back, and sharing some of those memories with the teen.  We found my Nan's school photo, which we worked out was taken in 1929.  I have sorted through hundreds, in fact probably thousands of photos, which obviously are the source of many memories.  Most recently yesterday I found a couple of boxes of several hundred photos, all are from 1995 and before, some of which are nearly 30 years old.  I bought some albums, and am in the process of sorting them all out and trying to get them in some sort of order.  I have had a quick flick through them all first and have had a lot of smiles and quite a few tears too.

There are photos of so many people that are no longer with us.  Photos of people I'd forgotten about.  Photos of people who at one time or another were really significant in my life, and photos of people who still are in some way.  I also own a scanner, so watch out people, no-one is safe!!  Some of the pictures are very strange shapes, this is due to me going on a editing frenzy many years ago, and cutting my ex-husband completely out of my life.  There is not one photo of him remaining now.  I don't regret doing it either. 

I have always been a snapper, always had a reputation for having a camera in my hand and taking lots of pictures.  I'm so glad now that I have done that.  I have so many good memories, which is really good for a sentimental old fool like me!  I have lots more de-cluttering to do, but my photos definitely won't be one of the things that goes.  Also when people tell me off in future for taking pictures, I won't listen.  I shall explain to them about my walk down memory lane, and how many forgotten memories have been brought back to me by those very photos.  So in future when people leave my life, as people do for one reason or another, no-one will ever be completely gone or totally forgotten, as I will have my photos for memories.

On the up?

Yesterday was a good day!  It's been a while since I could say that.  I've had good moments some days, and occasionally a good couple of hours here and there, but of late there haven't been whole days I could say this about.  So what was so special about yesterday?

I didn't do anything out of the ordinary really.  Took the teen to school, did a few bits around the house then went out to run a couple of errands and meet my mate for a cuppa and a gossip.  I bumped into another friend 'M' on my way to the bank and had a quick chat with her.  She was waiting to pick up her son who was on his way home from Afghanistan for his RnR, it was great to see her excited, its been a long time coming, and his flights were nearly cancelled.  So I continued on with what I had to do and headed to our usual haunt to meet J.

I arrived at a well known coffee shop and low and behold there were M and her husband, the place was full with no spare tables, so G pulled up a couple of seats at their table for me.  J was fashionably late, about 20 minutes this time.  So I sat chatting to M and G while I waited and bizarrely some random stranger that was sat nearby also chipped in to the conversation.  J arrived, joined in, M and G left and the two of us settled down for a good old chat.  Random stranger continued to chip in from time to time, and when J left to get drinks, go to the loo etc (which she did quite a lot, hmmmm) chatted away like we were old friends.

When we were all coffee'd out we went shopping.  I showed J a dress I liked and she made me try it on.  It's a lovely 50's style, which I love, but I didn't think would suit me.  Well it turns out it does, and not only that but I had to get a size smaller than normal too, as it was too big.  That was me convinced, I bought it!!  Of course I'm going to need shoes to go with it now too?

So the point is I smiled for 3 hours solid!!  I didn't once feel like the sobbing me was close by, the smiley me was well and truly in residence.  The effect even carried over for the rest of the day.  The only tears were when I was watching some of Les Mis.  I had a good few hours with my Best Bud the day before, and she made me tell her everything, to try and talk about what was going on in my head.  She gave me a good talking to, tough love was the phrase she used.  Some of what she said made sense, and she certainly gave me a lot to think about.  I cried a lot too, so maybe I've just run out of tears?  Or maybe I took some of what she said on board and have started to process it?

Whatever the reason, its a breakthrough!  I just hope it continues.  The light at the end of the tunnel is definitely looking brighter now.  And that's in no small part thanks to some very good friends!

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason.  Even if at the time it's often difficult to see what that reason is.  I've lost count of the number of times I've told my friends this when they are having a difficult time, and for the most part it's been true.  Better jobs, nicer men, happier lives etc, I've seen my friends go on to get these things amongst others after suffering through some pretty rough times.  So at the moment I'm trying to convince myself that this principle of fate also applies to me.

It's been a pretty naff few months to be honest.  Any men reading this please feel free to skip the next few lines and do the reading equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and singing lalalalalala loudly.  I've been having a few gynae issues for a while.  My hormones have been all over the place and its been like having permanent PMT for several months.  This culminated in a small gynae op just before Christmas which to be honest was one of the most horrendous experiences of my life.  But that's another story!  OK chaps, it's safe to come back now.  Then I got a really bad chest infection which refused to go and knocked me completely sideways, and which may or may not have been Whooping Cough.  While all this was going on, in the background I'd already started having the early warning signs that I was starting to relapse.  This finally came to a head and I eventually had to admit defeat and submit to treatment. 

Throughout all of this, or maybe because of it, coupled with some pretty nasty drugs, and alongside other bits and pieces that were going on in my life, I've been at an all time low emotionally.  I really can't put my finger on why, and I don't know what to do to make it stop either.  I've never experienced anything like it, and I sure as hell intend never to again once I get rid of it this time.  Don't get me wrong, I get down from time to time, it's only natural, but I normally have a statute of limitations on misery.  I allow myself 3 - 5 days (depending on the severity of the situation) of wallowing in self pity, then give myself a good old fashioned kick up the arse and snap out of it.  I've tried and tried, but no matter how big the kick up the arse I just can't snap out of it.  I just don't seem to be able to find the smiley me, and the sobbing, or ratty me are never far away. 

So between the emotional rollercoaster I'm on and having far too much time on my hands I've been doing a lot of thinking, probably far too much!  I've over-thought a number of things, jumped to a few conclusions, and voiced a few things I probably should have kept to myself.  This has resulted in a few things.  I've pissed off one very good friend to the extent that I think it may be the end of our very long standing relationship.  I hope not, I hope they might understand in the end, but I guess that depends on how much they valued our relationship?  Only time will tell.  I've also come to the conclusion that I'm bored.  I'm not even sure what I'm bored with, life, work, me?  I just know I need to do something to make a change, maybe it's all part of my mid life crisis?  I do know I've changed a lot over the last year or so, maybe that is part of the reason for my itchy feet now.  I just know there has to be more out there for me?

So back to the things happening for a reason.  Maybe I've had to hit rock bottom to see the good things in life for their true value?  To make me acknowledge how lucky I am to have some of the amazing people in my life that I do.  To sort the wheat from the chaff?  To open my eyes to what's around me?  Perhaps its to give me the kick up the arse to do something more?  Whether that be doing a degree, joining St John again, looking for another job, or getting better qualified to advance in my job?  I obviously wasn't shortlisted for the job I applied for, so this clearly wasn't what fate had in store.  But what it did do is open my eyes to other possibilities, and get me thinking about how to fill in application forms etc.

All of this has also given me the push to make changes to me too.  Or continue in earnest with small changes that I had already started.  I think perhaps I am bored with me too.  I have lived with me for a lot of years now.  I'm more determined than ever to loose more weight, and have set myself an ambitious goal of getting back not just to my pre MS weight, but to where I was when I was 30.  I'll do it too, however long it takes!  It has also made me a bit more aware of my own health, and looking after it.  I'm determined to go as long as possible before my next relapse, and to keep my diabetes in check.  I intend to be a bit more adventurous too, from hair colour to my bucket list and many things in between.

At the moment I'm not quite sure what the reasons are for what I'm going through.  I'm not sure which path I'm meant to be on, or will end up on.  What I do know is that I have faith that it will all eventually become clear.  That all of this, and all of the other things going on around me, are preparing me for what is to come.  That they are preparing the path, ready for when it's time for me to walk it. 

The fact that I can acknowledge this also tells me that things must be on the up, I must be turning a corner.  I can finally see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And thanks to some wonderful friends I have even caught a couple of glimpses of the smiley me over the last week.  Only brief glimpses, but that must mean she's still there right?  She hasn't disappeared forever.  And if that's the case, then there really is light at the end of the tunnel!

At a Crossroads

So I appear to have arrived at somewhat of a crossroads in life.  A few things have happened recently that have made me readdress where I am and where I'm going.  I'm also in a really strange place emotionally at the moment.  So given all that maybe now isn't the time to be making any major or life changing decisions?

With that in mind as I've said in a previous post I'm giving serious consideration to taking up academic study of some description.  The good thing about this is registration doesn't open for another month, and it will be much nearer the summer before I can apply for my student loan, so this gives me a considerable cooling off period in which to think seriously about it.  Its a huge commitment to make for 9 months a year for the next 6 years, and a huge financial commitment too.  It also gives me a chance to check out what training I can do at work that might help me make a positive change.

A combination of insomnia and not being able to get around or do much has given me far too much time on my hands.  This along with all of the other stuff is a dangerous combination.  So the other night I found myself mooching around the internet and before I knew where I was I was filling in a job application form.  I can't quite believe I did it, I hit send.  I don't apply for jobs I really want, let alone something I see on a whim.  I don't think for a minute I'll get short listed, but if I do I will go for the interview.  The problem starts if I get offered it.  Is this really the right time to be making a decision like that.

The other really bizarre thing about what I've done is that the job is smack bang in the middle of a huge city, and not the one I live in.  Anyone who knows me will know I hate driving, especially on the motorway, and especially in rush hour traffic in big cities.  I'm a very nervous driver.  Getting the job would mean having to do all of the above things that I hate with a passion, and add well over an hour of traveling to my day.  Why would I do that?  Its not even any more money. its the same grade.

This is one of those times when I'm going to trust in fate.  If its meant to be, it will be, if it's not, it won't.  Be gentle with me and make the right decision please Fate!

C x

In Good Company

Today did me the world of good!  Did I do anything fabulous.......No!  I went to the hospital for my monthly drug treatment. 

I'm not the sort of person who is defined by my MS, although you may be forgiven for thinking that over the last couple of months, but that's mainly because its been giving me such a hard time.  Neither am I the sort of person who will actively seek out other MS'ers to be friends with or interact with.  I'd rather just be friends with nice people regardless, the fact they have the same medical diagnosis as me doesn't really come into it.  But every now and again its really nice, in fact I'd go so far as to say helpful, to be in the company of people who 'get it'.  Don't get me wrong I love my friends and family dearly, and spending time with them, but just now and then its nice to be with other people who have been there.

There are times when you feel a complete freak, your body won't do what you want, it doesn't feel like it should, and the fatigue you experience is life sapping.  Its almost impossible to explain to someone how that feels, and even if you manage it I often wonder how much they really understand.  Fatigue for one thing is something you can never ever understand unless you have really experienced it.  Most people think they have, and think they get it, they think its just a normal exhaustion type feeling...... it's not!  Its indescribable!  I thought I got it before I had MS, oh boy how wrong I was.

I'm still having a bit of a rough time with the MS business at the moment.  Some symptoms I've had before, some new.  Most of which I don't even talk about, whats the point.  One of the things I'm really struggling with this time, compounded by the steroids, is mood.  Another thing I've never experienced before is loss of appetite, in fact normally I'm completely the opposite.

I have my regular treatment with a couple of lovely ladies, one of which I've become quite good friends with over time.  We keep in touch by text etc outside of the hospital.  She has also sadly recently relapsed, and had steroids.  So she really does know just where I am at the moment.  We arrived and started chatting about how we were doing, what we've been up to etc.  Imagine my surprise when she started talking about how dreadful her mood is at the moment, how she's either crying or biting everyone's head off. 

She's never known anything like it.  I couldn't believe it.  I told her how I'd been, she's exactly the same.  We both go from evil to sobbing and back numerous times over the course of the day.  You can't even begin to imagine the relief, I'm not the only one.  I was beginning to think I was going mad, thought I might have to get help.  Then I talked about my appetite, or lack of it, and how normally the steroids make me ravenous, guess what, she's the same.  I could have jumped for joy!  Well mentally anyway, not sure the body is quite up to jumping at the moment.  It was so good to talk to someone that gets it!  You don't have to explain how you feel, they know, they've been there.

We even managed to have a bit of a giggle, I haven't done that for weeks!  The atmosphere in the unit was lovely today, mainly due to the right staff being on, so that helped too.  But just briefly I found the smiley me again, she made a flash of an appearance.  At least I know she's not gone forever!

C x

Back to school

I've been thinking for a while about maybe doing some sort of studying again.  It will be an uphill struggle, not having done any serious academic work for over 20 years.  Don't get me wrong I've done bits and pieces related to my job.  NVQ3, NVQ assessors award, Moving and Handling trainer, and other bits and pieces that have required me writing and studying various things.  But none of them really serious hard stuff.

As you may have read in other bits of my blog I'm at a bit of a crossroads.  Maybe its my age.  Perhaps its my body clock ticking?  Telling me that if I'm going to do something I'd better do something about it soon?  I was talking to a good friend a couple of weeks ago, and she's very much in the same place as me.  Its not that I don't enjoy my job, I do!  I also work with a fab bunch of people, and I wouldn't change that for the world.  But I'm bored!  There I've said it!  I miss the thrill of the stuff I used to do!

I'm frustrated too!  The ongoing political and financial situation have changed the job.  Changes in the powers that be have changed the job.  Once upon a time we could see a problem, or identify a need, and find a solution.  Don't get me wrong we had to be able to stack up the financial equation, and everything else.  But if we could argue the case and had enough evidence to back up what we were saying, and it made financial sense we did it!  Now we come up with a solution, it goes up the chain of command, lands on a desk and stays there.  Nothing ever seems to move forward.  Then we're told its not what they want, or that there are aspects about it that aren't right, great tell us what you want....... hmmmmm there in lies the problem, they don't know.  No steer, no direction, just no!

So is it time for a change?  If so what?  The things I'd really like to do I can't, because of my bloody MS!  I want to be a nurse, I should have done it years ago when I had the chance!  I want to be an A&E or ITU nurse!  Moving on.......  My friend incidentally wants a complete change, she wants to run a coffee shop.  Maybe I could bake cakes for her?  This was all brought sharply into focus the other day when the teen asked, out of the blue, if I could choose any job what would my perfect job be.

So what can I do to ease the boredom?  The teen is thinking about starting to do St John.  I used to really enjoy that!  So I've started thinking again, maybe that might capture my interest a little, give me something to challenge me a little?  The problem is my bloody MS, will that get in the way again?  Maybe I'll look into it?

Which brings me to the last option, a couple of nights ago I had a flash of inspiration - study?  I decided to Google a few things, started off thinking maybe I could go and do something at night school, but nothing really grabbed me?  Ended up on the Open University website.  Do I really have the commitment to do a degree at my age?  Do I have the time?  Can I commit to 6 years of study, and £15K of debt in student loan?  Am I up to it?  The final question then is what to study?  What was the first thing I clicked on when the options came up....... Science!

Lots to think about there I think.........

C xx