It occurred to me earlier that its months since I blogged. Maybe my head has been too full of other things? Maybe its because I've been busy getting my head around my new job? I don't really know myself. But I sat wondering what I could write about, so as usual I'm just going to write from my heart and see where it goes.
Its a strange time of the year for me. Christmas is approaching fast, which I love. In fact it turns me into a five year old again. I love the way everything is so bright and cheerful, and its a great excuse to do nice things for people I love and to make people happy. I'm a bit of a Christmas Elf on the quiet.
Its also a sad time of the year. November 10th is my beloved Grandad's birthday. He was by far the most influential man in my life. My Dad wasn't around a lot when I was growing up, in fact he hasn't been around a lot for most of my life really, with the exception of about a year or so in my early twenties, so my Grandad was really my Dad too. I can't believe its been 10 years since he's been gone. I miss him so much, sometimes it feels like forever and sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. I miss my gorgeous Nan just as much, probably more in fact! I'd give anything for one more cuddle. I think about them both each and every day, and they are with me wherever I go.
Something else plays on my mind at this time of year, but this year it seems worse than normal. I seem to be surrounded by adverts for Foster and Adoptive parents at the moment, together with pictures of cute children who need a new home. It's a reminder of what I lost, a twist of the knife.
I should have been celebrating an 11th birthday round about now. My son would have been in his last year at primary school. I say son, I don't know if it would have been a boy or girl, but I'm convinced it was a boy. My pregnancy was so different to when I had CC, so it had to be a boy right? I only had him for about 14 weeks or so, but it felt like so much longer. I knew I was pregnant pretty much within days, I know most people won't believe that, but I did. Well before my period was even due, let alone late. Totally the opposite from my previous one. Knowing about it so early made it feel like I had him for longer, and he sat on my bladder the whole time, so really made his presence felt for those few months too! lol I even started feeling him move, so he was very real to me. But I'm not very good at being pregnant, so he was gone.
I think of him a lot! Would he have had his Dad's eyes? How tall would he be? Would he have played football for Wales......
I'm too old to be having a baby now, plus it would be so hard with my MS. But the fact of the matter is its extremely unlikely that I'd be able to get pregnant even if I wanted to, virtually impossible. Which kinda makes me want it more? I'm a strange creature, always want what I can't have. Especially at this time of year when its so fresh in my mind.
So its a contradiction of feelings for me. Outwardly happy, smiling for the world, focusing on all the nice things that Christmas will bring, my outward facing persona. But when I'm on my own away from watching eyes, I think about what might have been, and cry for what wasn't to be, and all those I no longer have.
Well that went down a strange path. I do apologise for my ramblings!
C xx
