Well once again its been a while since I engaged with this blogging business. I glanced at my profile and noticed the claim that I am an almost 40 year old.......alas I am this no more! So first things first, that has now been updated.
So more about this turning 40 stuff. For a long time it hadn't bothered me in the slightest. I have seen a number of my close friends experience the big birthday, with varying reactions, and had come to the conclusion that it wasn't such a big deal. This surprised me, given my reaction to turning 30, I hated it and clung on to my 20's as if my life would be over. When each of my friends has turned 40 I have tried to mark the occasion in some way, made a bit of a fuss, tried to make it a day to remember and all that. It was always going to be payback time!
As I turned 39 and entered my 40th year on the planet I was totally at ease with the whole prospect. However as it got closer, and began to loom closely on the horizon, only a couple of months away, I had a big wobble! It started with a total crisis of confidence, full on! "I'm nearly 40, fat, frumpy, nobody loves me etc etc". I gave it the full drama queen bit. Luckily I have some amazing people in my life, one of whom (it may actually have been more than one, but this one sticks out in the memory) told me in no uncertain terms to get over myself, get a grip and cut the crap. Well words to that effect anyway! So I had a word with myself and quit wallowing, its only a number after all isn't it?
This was followed shortly afterwards by what I can only describe as a guilt trip, this may not be the best description, but guilty I was. Guilty for being alive! I know, another drama queen moment! I got to thinking a lot about H, and how at that time last year he had still been alive and well. He is a year younger than me, almost exactly, and on his last birthday he turned 38, he probably had the same thought most of us have in our late 30's, that's another year closer to 40. He could never have dreamt what was on the horizon a matter of weeks later, or that he wouldn't see 39 let alone 40. So that was the crux of it really, why was I still here and he's not. He did so much with his life, and had so much still to do.
Anyway, after quite a few more words with myself, I decided I should just enjoy it. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing I'm going to count every extra year as a bonus, enjoy it and make the most of it. There but for the grace of God!
The big day came and went. I left the country to avoid too much fuss. I had a fantastic and very memorable holiday, and a lovely birthday. I had lots of messages, which was lovely to read so far from home. All in all the day passed happily and drama free. Not so on my arrival back at work. My wonderful friends had put pictures up of me around the entire building, and had decorated the office beautifully, I was mortified! lol So now the entire world knows I'm 40............but I survived! Lots of people welcomed me to the club, but I'm still trying to discover quite what the club is.
I made it through, I'm still here, and I can safely say it really is just a number. I think this may be partly down to the fact that I'm still not a grown up. But I've come to the conclusion now that if i haven't grown up by the time I've turned 40, I shouldn't have to............EVER!
C x
