So its been well over a year since I last blogged, I've written dozens in my head, usually in bed at night when I'm struggling to sleep. But none of them have ever made it to print. Mostly because all of the clever stuff I think of is forgotten by the time I've had a few hours sleep. I have decided I should make more of an effort to write it down, so here goes.
On my day off this week I mooched off to a town a little way from us, with my daughter, for a bit of shopping. While I was out that way I decided to pop out to my Dad's house to say hello. It's about 18 months since I last saw him, I've seen very little of him over the last 20 odd years. This has been largely of his doing, I've dropped in on him a few times and given him the option of more but to no avail. The last time I went a little voice in my head told me to go, afterwards I told myself it was something I needed to do one last time so that when the time came I'd know I'd tried.
Well this week the time came. That little voice in my head once again told me I needed to go, so we went. As we drove up to the house I knew straight away, the car was gone and the house clearly not occupied. I found myself in the bizarre position of being told by an old chap across the road that he'd passed away. I smiled, thanked him and walked away trying to make it back to the car before the tears came.
I've cried a lot over the last 2 days. I cried buckets yesterday, on the drive home and then on and off for the rest of the day and well into the night. I started the day determined not to cry today, but didn't even make it past the journey in to work, crying for most of the journey. I find myself in this really strange position where I don't feel I have the right to be upset, after all I've barely seen him in the last 20 years. But I am upset. I guess the rational part of me knew that nothing was going to change now but there was a small part of me that hoped, just maybe, that something might happen and I'd get a chance to get close to him again. Well that will never happen now.
So I find myself in this very bizarre space where I'm grieving, but I have none of the usual closure that you get. No funeral to go to, that's already happened, no chance to say goodbye. I just have to carry on as normal and deal with it all in the background. But I am grieving, I just keep crying. I have this strange numbness inside. I remember a similar feeling when my Nan died 17 years ago, I worshipped her and losing her devastated me. This can't be anything like that surely, I've barely seen him in two decades. But there is this enormous ball of grief that I can't explain and I'm struggling to get my head around. He was my Dad after all, and once upon a time I did have a relationship with him and I loved him. I think I'm also grieving for the relationship I missed out on and that I can't have now and maybe that's just as hard to come to terms with. I'm grieving for the childhood memories I don't have because he wasn't around. My bank of memories of him is only a relatively small one in the scheme of things and that makes me sad too.
A small amount of detective work on social media led to me finding my half sisters profile and about an hour after sending her a message she replied. To be fair to her she said she'd tried to find contact details to tell me but hadn't been able to. So I at least know when he died now and what happened, I guess that makes it a little easier to come to terms with maybe? I also know where his ashes will be scattered so can eventually go and say goodbye and have somewhere to visit occasionally for a bit of quiet reflection should I feel the need. Even this felt strange though, I felt guilty for causing her upset, whilst at the same time I just needed to know. This is my half sister, who I have quite a resemblance to, but have never met and corresponded with for the first time today.
It's been quite a surreal couple of days to say the least. It seemed like such a normal Tuesday when I got up. Just goes to show you never know what life has in store.........
