My Light-Bulb Moment

This week my theory about things happening for a reason received considerable validation.

One of the things that had driven me to apply for my current job was the prospect of potentially having to move offices to work in town.  It wasn't that we'd been told it would happen, I could just see it coming on the horizon.  And it wasn't working in town that was a problem. I work in town now, it was more to do with the surroundings I'd be in.  I'd gone so far as to make a prediction that the team would be on the move by the end of the financial year.

So it wasn't any great surprise to hear this week that the decision had been made, and they are soon to be on the move.  I am sorry to hear it however, as they are all so happy where they are, and it works how it is.  What's the age old saying?  If its not broken, don't fix it!  Well this is being fixed, regardless!!

I have to admit there's a little bit of me that is secretly pleased, as they will soon be much closer and I will only have to wander across the road to say hello.  We'll be able to meet for lunch and coffee and I'll see more of them.  But I also understand their apprehension, so I'm trying to keep those feelings to myself for now.

I had been missing being with them quite a bit of late.  And occasionally the devil on my shoulder makes me question whether I've done the right thing, usually after a bad day at the office!  Mostly I shut him up with chocolate, but that tiny bit of me does sometimes think about the what ifs.  Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy my new job, its interesting, most of the people are great and its just so varied, there's no way I could ever be bored.  Mostly because my boss see's to it I don't get enough free time to be bored.

I do know however, and I'm now 100% sure, that I'm exactly where I should be!  There will be no more doubting that fact.  When I do have a bad day I will reflect on the alternative and count my blessings.  After all I do have a boss that gets the beers in (well the PH equivalent - Hot Chocs) just to reward a job well done.  So on balance there's a lot worse places I could be.

I remember once talking to my very good friend J about my theory, when she was going through a particularly bad patch.  I told her that there were better things in the grand plan for her, and that one day she would have a moment of clarity, like a light going on, where she would see what the reason was and know that it had all been worthwhile.

All in all I have to conclude that the unpleasant stuff that I went through in my personal life, that put me in the frame of mind that made me apply for the job in the first place was actually worth the aggravation.  It didn't just bring me the job, it brought me other unexpected benefits too, including some new and precious people into my life, and this was the final piece of the jigsaw.  I had my light-bulb moment this week.  That final realisation that it had all happened for a reason, and that what was on the other side was more than worth enduring the ride to get there!

Cxx

My Lumpy Bumpy Friend

Its very rare I share links or random pictures on Facebook, but I saw this one yesterday and it really resonated with me, this is so true.  I am lucky enough to have a few friends in my life that fall into this category.  Everlasting, life long friends.

Then tonight I was at a meeting at the teen's school and I ran into just such a friend.  My lovely mate H!

We met about 13 years ago when our girls started at the same nursery.  There were a few Mum's that hit it off and used to get together for coffee etc, but H and I were on another level.  When the other Mum's had fallen by the wayside and were off doing their own things H and I were still wreaking our very own brand of havoc!

We laughed together and cried together, shopped together and drank tea together.  Then there was the Lumpy Bumpy cake.....

We were the Thelma and Louise of the Longford Park Mum's.  We had adventures together and shared each others secrets.  But more than that on a day to day basis we just rubbed along, and laughed a lot, a very lot!  You'd be amazed what we could manage in the 2 and a half hours the girls were at Nursery!

At Christmas we'd go tacky shopping and take the girls to see Santa.  In the summer we took them to parks to play.  We did lots with the girls, but we did lots just the two of us too!

She was there for me at one of the most difficult times in my life, she was the voice of reason that looked out for me when I was too busy looking out for everyone else.  She would parachute in and take me away for a couple of hours, some respite, some space to breath.  She'd listen to me rant, whinge and cry, and she'd hug me.  She was always there when I needed her, even when I didn't know I needed her.  I will never repay that debt!

We were joined at the hip for a long time.  But as our girls got older and our jobs changed there was less and less time free to spend together.  Life got in the way, and we saw less and less of each other.  Her life changed and so did mine, for different reasons.  But we were always there when the other needs it.

So tonight we sat together in the school meeting and giggled, and whispered when Teacher was talking, Thelma and Louise are definitely still in there!!  Then afterwards we stood in the car park and chatted.  We could have stood there, in the rain, all night, but the caretaker threw us out!  We laughed and reminisced and talked about the minutae of our lives, all the things we used to do.  It made me realise how very much I miss her.  And regardless of how long its been it really is just like we spoke yesterday.  Life is busy, but I will always love her.  But most of all I am determined to find time to spend with her, coffee and lumpy bumpy, nights out, whatever we can.

Look out world, H & M are back.........

C xx

Good Night Gorgeous!

January 5th is generally the saddest day of the year for me, today marks 11 years since I lost one of the people I loved most in the world, my Nan.  I still miss her every bit as much now as I ever did, possibly more.  It still hurts, and I'm writing this with tears running down my cheeks.  I'd give anything for one more hug!

Edith Ivy Maud was born in 1920, named after 3 maiden Aunts, she hated all her names and chose to be known by what she considered to be the lesser of the evils, so for most of her life she was known to everyone as Ivy.  Ivy was born in a maternity hospital in South Wales that is now a prestigious hotel and golf course, she grew up in a small village in Gwent in South Wales.  

She told us many stories over the years about life growing up in the village.  One of the stand out ones for me also demonstrates what a force of nature her Mum was.  As a teenager she would go out on a summer evening with her friends, but her curfew was 9pm.  They knew the time by the trains going between Newport and Cardiff.  One such night either the train was late, or they just missed it, but sitting in the fields they could hear a loud whistle coming from the village.  Her Dad worked on the railways and had a train drivers whistle, and she just knew.  Filled with embarrassment she jumped up and ran home, and sure enough, there was her Mum standing at the front gate blowing the whistle.  The entire village knew whenever they heard it that Ivy Loftus was late home.  She was mortified.

She left home in her late teens, during the war, to work in a munitions factory in Bristol.  She would never return home to live in her native Wales.  Bristol was hit by numerous air raids, and every time she had to run down 150 steps to get to the air raid shelter.  They would hear the noise of the doodlebugs overhead as they ran, and when the noise stopped they would drop to the floor against the steps to try and take shelter in case it fell nearby.  One night after a really long day at work she was shattered and when the sirens went off she decided she would just stay in bed.  Her cousin who she lived with insisted she get up and off they went.  Once the all clear was given she returned home to find a burnt blackened mess where her pillow had been and a hole in the ceiling, the house had been hit by shrapnel and had she stayed where she was I wouldn't be here today! 

While she was living in Bristol she often went out to dances with her friends.  One night at a dance she met a young RAFman called Doug, they immediately hit it off and he asked if he could take her out again.  They arranged to go out a few days later, and during this second date he asked her to marry him.  He was deploying a few days later, to Egypt as part of the North Africa campaign as it turned out. She said yes, and they were engaged to be married before he left.  They married in January 1946 shortly after he came home from the war.  

They were married for 57 years, to the day, she passed away on their Wedding Anniversary.  They had 4 children, one however only survived for a few days, six Grandchildren and to date have six Great Grandchildren.  They lived for many years in Gloucester, which is where my Grandad was from, then moved to Warwickshire and eventually Coventry.  They finally settled back in Coventry after 3 or 4 years in Scotland with my Grandad's job.  

She was quite a woman, she was Welsh through and through and proud of it, and regardless of how much her accent had faded she always swore with a deep Welsh accent.  She had a fiery temper and could hold her own in any situation, nothing and no-one phased her.  She was fiercely loyal and a true matriarch!   She was the absolute centre of our family and the glue that held it together.  She looked after everyone, and her very next sentence after greeting you would almost always be "have you had food?"  She was an incredible woman! 

It was a job with Daimler / Jaguar that brought them to Coventry, so it seemed fitting that her last journey was in a Daimler, albeit a hearse.  The name of her coffin was the Edinburgh and we sang Cwm Rhonnda.  All quite fitting really, and its funny the things you remember isn't it.  I remember hardly anything of her funeral, it all passed in a total blur, but I remember what her coffin was called,

For a long time I blamed myself for her dying, I'd taken her to hospital you see, and she'd ended up with a hospital acquired infection which ultimately was behind her death.  If I'd kept her at home and managed her there she'd never have got it and things would have been different.  But she'd had another stroke and the sensible part of me knows I couldn't have managed her she couldn't weight bear etc.  I know it wasn't my fault, but that took me a long time to come to terms with.  

She was the one person in my life who always loved me unconditionally, who never judged me, was always there with a hug.  Don't get me wrong, she never pulled punches, if I needed telling I'd be told in no uncertain terms, and she took no prisoners.  But she always loved me, and was always there for me, regardless!

In the months before she died, especially when I visited her in hospital I often referred to her as Gorgeous, we used to giggle!  I'd say give us a cuddle Gorgeous, climb on the bed next to her and snuggle up.  I treasure those moments.

I wasn't with her when she died, a fact that although at the time I was devastated by, I am now glad of, because I wasn't ready to let her go, and could never have let her go peacefully, and its what she deserved.  So it was as it should have been.  

My very last words to her were "Good night, God Bless, see you tomorrow, Love you Gorgeous!"

Corinne was almost 5 when she died, and the first thing she said when we told her was that it would be OK and we'd still see Big Nanny every day, she's the biggest brightest star in the sky now.  We still look up to the sky every night, look for her and say hello.

Ivy Agg, Mum, Nan and Great Nan, never forgotten, and loved every bit as much today as the day you left.  We think about you every day and miss you terribly.

So I guess the only thing left for me to say is....

Good Night God Bless, Love You Gorgeous!! xxx

Cxx

Day 4 - So far so good!

I was chatting to K in the kitchen at work yesterday, she works in a different department but we recently did a project together and got to know each other a bit better as we bonded over a bit of a crisis!  As I was about to leave the she said "ah well its day 3 and you're still here".

"Indeed I am" said I touching wood for good measure!  Well you can never be too careful!

This made me giggle and harked back to a conversation we had a while ago about Christmas and the January blues.  January is my least favourite month of the year for many reasons.  Firstly it is so dull and dark and once all the decorations come down it just makes it feel worse.  On top of this it seems to be the month that people in my family and people I love pass away.  I had told K this and explained that I am convinced that when my time comes it will be in January, in whatever year it happens to be.  I am hoping it won't be this January, or next, indeed I'm hoping it won't be for a good few years yet, but when my number is up that's when it will be!  Because of this I utter a huge sigh of relief on February the first every year safe in the knowledge that I'm probably good for another year.  Crazy I know.

In my defence my crazy theory is based in reason and is not just a totally random thing I came up with.  I am also equally convinced that when my Mum's time is up it will also be in January of whatever year we are in.  If this does happen, from that day on I will be hibernating for the entire month of January every year!  Its the Loftus genes you see, although technically I suppose it would be the Wilshire genes, well that's as far back as I'm aware of currently anyway.

It started with my Great Nan, she was quite a character.  The expression 'Formidable Woman' could have been coined for her.  She was the first in a long line.  It has been said many times that I have a very large proportion of her genes.  I am a Loftus in lots of ways, the nose, the temperament, the bloody mindedness to name just a few!

Evelyn Maud Loftus passed away on January 1st 1985.  We all joked at the time that it was so like her to have insisted on hanging on to see another year before she finally gave in.  Stubborn to the end, and always on her terms.   My lovely Nanny Marshfield.  I will write more about her in another post, she was quite a woman!

Her Daughter was my beloved Nan!! I miss her so much still! When she was poorly I never doubted she would see Christmas, I knew she would, because I knew it would be January.  Sure enough she left us on 5th January 2003.  She was another incredible woman!  Are you seeing the pattern here?  My Grandad did pass away in September, but then he had a different gene pool so that explains that.

I am the first of my generation, the oldest Grandchild and also the oldest Great Grandchild.  Next down from me is H, he came along 363 days after me, almost a year to the day.  He passed away in January 2011.  Next was my cousin T, he is also next down from me in the Grandchild order too, he passed away in January 2011.  Starting to see a picture here?  I don't seem quite so bonkers now huh?

Is it any wonder I question my mortality every January?  Given that I'm the oldest in my generation and the next two are gone already!

So for now I will remember them all and smile, and say day 4 and so far so good........

Cxx