It's been a busy few weeks settling in to my new job, getting my head round all the new things I have to learn, and the new services I have to get to know. The job is so varied I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever know enough about it.
I can be visiting a Stop Smoking service in the morning and in a meeting about sexual health in the afternoon. The other day I was paying GP bills for Health Checks when someone in the office casually piped up about how she was going to have to opt in to receive porn in the brave new internet world. After we all stopped giggling we all agreed we couldn't do our job if we didn't as so much of the day revolves around alcohol, sex and drugs. The only thing we don't get is the rock n roll.
I have to say however, I am loving the new job. Sometimes you just have to take a risk, and this was a risk worth taking. It was absolutely the right move for me, and the best thing that I could have done. Most of the people are fab too. They will never be my old gang, but they are a pretty good bunch on the whole.
Some of the things I've touched on and will be getting much more involved in over the coming months are services providing support to people who have experienced domestic violence and sexual abuse. These services have struck a particularly personal chord with me.
Some people who know me will know that a very long time ago, in what sometimes feels like a previous life, I was involved in an abusive relationship. Very few people know many of the details, no-one knows them all. Seeing these services from the inside has made me think about it quite a lot recently, most of it I've just packed away and not thought about for a very long time.
Very few people who knew me before, during or after would imagine for a minute that I'd be the sort of person who would be the victim of abuse of any kind. The 'Me' of today likes to think that she never would again, but then the 'Me' of then never would have thought she would either, sometimes you just don't see it coming until its too late. Then getting out of the situation is a whole different ball game.
That's why I've decided to blog a bit about it. Talk about the situation I found myself in, how I saw it then and how I see it now. I guess I'm making the point that it can happen to anyone. So for the first time, I'm going to share my story, maybe not all of it, but as much as I can manage.
It took me a very long time afterwards to even acknowledge that it was an abusive relationship. Not wanting to accept what had happened maybe? If I don't talk about it then it hasn't happened. For example its only fairly recently that I have accepted that there were some elements of sexual abuse involved. However even now, nearly 20 years later it still affects my life from time to time. It took me till the age of 38 to start learning to drive because he convinced me I was too stupid to drive and would kill someone.
Every man that ever gets close to me will also pay a price for what he did, to one extent or another, even all these years later. It will always be there in the back of my head, some of it has got better with time, but it will always remain. It affects some levels of intimacy. Then there's my almost total lack of self esteem, and need for constant reassurance. I rarely feel worthy and can't see why anyone would love me, so challenge that constantly, and need to keep hearing it to even begin to believe it. I have a very low opinion of myself, and invite others to have a similarly low one, then take it to heart when they do! In essence I'm damaged, and probably always will be.
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