Split personality

I was watching something on TV earlier and they were talking about all the different hats we wear in life.  It got me to thinking about how many different versions there are of me, and which is the real one.

I'm a Mum of a teenager as I've already mentioned, so this is one version of me.  She has Autism, although very high functioning, and this brings its challenges.  The Mum bit of me is rarely off duty.  Playing peacemaker, sometimes disciplinarian, cuddler, worrier and so many more things.  Constantly trying to be one step ahead.  And in no small part extremely proud of my beautiful clever, not so little any more, girl.

I'm a Wife too.  Thats another version of me.  This version compromises a lot!  As I'm sure most do.  Its a different me to the one many see.  I'm a Daughter, and Daughter in Law.  The Daughter in particular is a peculiar one, I'm starting to become more like the parent as time goes on, the same thing happened in my Granddaughter role.  I ended up taking more and more responsibility until I became the carer, the surrogate parent.  I can see the Daughter one ending up this way too.

There's the me that goes to work every day.  I am in fact quite shy, which most people I work with would find really hard to believe.  I put on a confident, outgoing, cheeky exterior to cover this.  In fact I am the office clown.  Its the only way I can survive.  I actually take everything to heart.  I do feel strongly about things to do with my job, and can be quite passionate, this isn't a cover, that's the real me.

Another version of me is the one with my friends.  There are even a few different ones of those too, depending on which friends I'm with.  These 'me's' are probably some of the closest to the real me, with the people I feel most comfortable with and trust, and without the responsibility of some of the other hats.  Even then some friends will see different bits of me to others. 

There is the MS me.  The one that deals with all the crap this cruel disease throws at me.  The one that stays positive despite it all, well tries.  The one that always has a smile and a pragmatic attitude to it.  Even when my legs start failing me, the pain is horrendous, and I can hardly think straight, always looking on the bright side.   This me makes her presence felt alongside all the other me's too.  It has to, self preservation!

The last me is the one that sits alone at her pc, or lies in bed and reads a book.  The one that over thinks everything.  That replays conversations from the day.  Stresses if she thinks she may have upset anyone.  The one that just wants to please everyone.  Someone that could quite easily isolate herself from the outside world and just stay in my own little bubble.  The one that above all just wants to be loved.  Insecure, emotional, self depreciating, my own worst critic.  But I also love to have fun, be silly, laugh, love and make people happy.

I said that's the last me, that's not strictly true.  There are probably others.  All depending on the relationship I have with the person I'm with at the time.

Which is the real me though?  I'm not sure even I know. 

C xx